When I think of the Super Bowl, my mind goes to one of the most obvious topics: Why does a big football game spawn tons of food drives? I mean, really, Thanksgiving just happened. Make it last, America. And are corny names like “The Soup-er Bowl” really necessary? The catchy idea is to bring cans of soup and whatever else comes in a can because, hey, look what we did, we discovered that the world’s biggest football game shares part of its name with a popular non-perishable item.
In truth, this sacred day in American pop culture is about much more than merely feeding the poor. It’s about stuffing your own face so full of food that it hurts like it’s been three days, and he hasn’t called you back.
The best way to accomplish this eating goal is to throw your own Super Bowl party. This can be successfully accomplished by killing and cooking every animal, placing those animals in your living room andmaking sure your house does not blow before game time.
Reader eager to participate: What kinds of food should I get?
Austin: You know the aisles at Harris Teeter with things that grow in the ground and on trees and are good for you?
Eager reader: Ooh, yes?
Austin: Yeah. Everything else.
Eager reader: But I’m a vegetarian and only eat nuts, leaves, some berries an—
Austin: That’s not a problem.
Eager reader: It’s not? Great!
Austin: Nope. Just make sure you stay outside with all the other squirrels and that you never throw a Super Bowl party, ever.
The next order of business involves who to invite to your Super Bowl party. Your guests should fall into three distinct categories:
1. Chicks who know nothing about football. These girls primarily will comment about three matters: commercials, players’ asses and O.M.G. the commercials. They are invited because other people find them to be nice company and generally nice-smelling.
2. The one chick who knows everything about football. This girl’s football knowledge and expertise will put those of every man to shame. She is invited primarily so that come water-cooler time Monday, everyone else in attendance at the party will be able to complain about her or comment on how categorically odd her entire “deal” is.
3. Dudes.
A word of note: The pregame-show/analysis/breakdown will begin at 9:30 a.m. You do not need to support or endorse this ... Simply be aware of it when requesting things like “attention,” “caring” and “giving a $#!@” from men you may know.
The two teams that played in this year’s game were the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Arizona Cardinals. It sucked to be a Steelers fan because your team is named after the same material used to make the pipes in your house that flush away “ugly storms.” It sucked to be a Cardinals fan because despite your team’s unquestionable prowess on the gridiron leading up to the big game, most of America still thought it was the St. Louis baseball team getting a leg up on spring training. Furthermore, a real-life manifestation of a Steelers-Cardinals matchup would consist of colorful little birds being pelted with anvils, and nobody wins there. This proves that you should have watched HGTV in lieu of the sporting contest.
The game did offer some colorful personalities, however. Cardinals first-team all-Galaxy wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald and vicious Steelers safety Troy “I’ll take the burger with fries, but if you’re out of that, one of your kids will do” Polamalu both sported wild hairstyles consisting of dreadlocks and frizz, or “drizz” as the kids call it. After big plays, both players hollered “You’ve just been drizzled!” at opponents in their vicinity. Note: I’m giving it 3:1 odds that this actually occurred.
Of course there’s always the halftime show to engage both sports fans and the ambivalent. This year’s act featured the legendary Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band. Regardless of the game’s outcome, I think the halftime performance unified all of America with one prevailing sentiment:
We’re all pretty miffed we didn’t see Bruce Springsteen’s nipple.
Austin’s column runs biweekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at a.wiles@cavalierdaily.com.
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