It is common knowledge that being rejected is an unpleasant and depressing experience. What is not so commonly understood is that being the person doing the rejecting is also not an enviable role. For example, a friend told me the story of a girl who found herself in the position of having to dash the hopes of a nice young admirer. What she kept saying to my friend was, “I’m the one who let him down. I don’t get why I feel so awful.”
Now, there is research indicating that this feeling is very common and very real. At Sun Yat-Sen University in China, researchers found differences among people who were rejected and those rejecting. For those who were rejected, the natural response was to make an effort to connect with other people and make new friends. By relating to others, they were able to fulfill an instinctive need for connection and thus move beyond the rejection.
Unfortunately, for those acting as the rejecters, they found it more difficult to connect with others after the act. The researchers concluded this was probably because of cognitive dissonance because rejection doesn’t match with the instinctive need to relate to others. It seemed to act as a sort of “sour grapes” phenomenon: The rejecter convinces him/herself that human contact just isn’t all that important. After rejecting someone, subjects were more hesitant to participate in group work, as opposed to working individually, and did not demonstrate as much interest in the prospect of joining a student group.
This phenomenon manifested itself in all types of relationships, beyond rejections of the romantic type. For instance, findings were consistent among college admissions officers and human resource managers. Moreover, women were found to perceive the effects of rejecting more profoundly than men. The suggested reason behind this claim was that men do not have quite as strong a need for human contact and, at the same time, are more comfortable with criticizing others. Possible consequences of rejecting include fatigue, insomnia and anxiety, although I would assert that these effects are often felt on both sides of the equation. The moral of this tale: Don’t take a job as an insurance claims adjuster.
So, for those of you who have recently committed the act of rejection, it is important to realize that what you’re feeling is legitimate; by beating yourself up about it, you’re likely to only make it worse. Spending time with others is the most surefire way to get back to your normal self. But, if the relationship was a romantic one, be wary of rebounds. Keep it light, and try not to get too serious with anyone too soon. Or, if you’re friends with someone who recently rejected someone, be sure to comfort that person, too.
Rejecting another person is not easy, and it takes courage to initiate such a conversation. It is even more difficult to strike the balance between being honest and letting the person down easily. Needless to say, tact is not easily achieved when trying to breakup. The Internet and cell phones have made it all too tempting to break it off technologically, rather than doing it face-to-face. But stress is still an essential element of rejection. However you do it, just keep the other person’s feelings in mind, and realize that it’s OK if you’re sad afterwards, too.
Andrenne is a fourth-year College student. She can be reached at a.alsum@cavalierdaily.com.
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