We all know that the second-most iconic setting at the University — after the alley behind the White Spot at 3 a.m. on your hands and knees, feeling around, asking your friends to wait up while you try to find your dreams — is the Lawn, with Jefferson’s Rotunda sitting at its head.
While the Rotunda is obvious, more nuanced aspects of the Lawn include the rooms that line it, in which some of the more decorated and high-achieving students reside. These students are awarded residency in these rooms based on a highly competitive admissions process. Everything they have done in their lives has been impressive and made sense, until they competed with other competitive people to live in small rooms with no heat. Though in fairness, the University does provide them with access to firewood to keep a semblance of feeling in their toes throughout the winter. The perks aren’t “cushy” so much as downright velveteen.
But back to the nuances I mentioned. Just about each Lawn room is outfitted with a small dry-erase board and marker, with the intent of allowing friends and passersby to leave small notes of well-wishing and greetings for Lawn residents. It does not, however, always turn out this way. Thus, with no further ado, I have elected this week to provide you with a comprehensive, based-on-objective-research-and-nothing-else list of The Top 40 Things to Write on Lawn Residents’ Dry-erase Boards. Here they are:
1. “Heyyy I heard the news, I heard the news!!!! SOOOO glad you guys decided to keep it!!! xoxo Marcie”
2. “Duck.”
3. “S-s-seems l-l-ike my P-p-parkinson’s is here to s-s-stay.”
4. “Pull my finger.”
5. “Pull his finger.”
6. “Hey man, bad news, they found a couple of the bodies...”
7. “Sometimes people think I’m bipolar. Those people suck and should die. But then I realize that they’re only people. And that I just want to cuddle.”
8. “Pens are a no-no, so we carved this into your board permanently with one of our many knives. Love, the Amish.”
9. “There were some folks here with a giant check. Ah. They just left.”
10. “I dropped your dog off but you weren’t home. I used the mail slot.”
11. “‘Arson’ is a funny word...”
12. “I pooped.”
13. “You’re out of Q-tips.”
14. “Don’t come in, I’m not done yet.”
15. “Nine inches.”
16. “Fun fact: cocoa butter ≠ cocoa + butter + stirring. Sorry for the mess.”
17. “Doctor said it has like, only maybe a 40 percent chance of “flaring up” again...”
18. “Turn around. And smile.”
19. “Four hours my ass, Cialis.”
20. “We heard about that fork you took from Newcomb. Pack your things. Love, The Honor Committee.”
21. “I heard about that fork you took from Newcomb. I’ve taken all your things. <3 J. Casteen.”
22. “You weren’t home, so I left the diarrhea meds on the step. Kisses.”
23. “Dad died.”
24. “Test came back positive. Which for you, incidentally, is quite negative.”
25. “‘Marijuana farm’, ‘garden’ ... Tomato, tomahto. Your room gets all the light.”
26. “The application to live on the Lawn you submitted last year was found to be fraudulent. You are to be moved completely out of your room in 24 hours. Not to worry. There’s space in Gooch.”
27. “Hi. I thought I’d stop and jot a note while I streaked, and the room I picked was yours! I am 100 percent nude.”
28. “Your toothbrush has a very nice feel to it.”
29. “So did your bathrobe.”
30. “And sheets.”
31. “I saw some guy stealing your firewood. So I helped him.”
32. “I’mmmmmm drunk. Has anyone ever told you your mail slot looks a lot like a urinal?”
33. “1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a thumb war.”
34. “Ever since you blocked me I haven’t been able to poke you on Facebook, sooo ... poke!”
35. “8===D.”
36. “8=========D”
37. “888=======D. How ‘bout them apples?”
38. “Hi. — Larry Flynt.”
39. “I hope I finish this note before the guy chasing me ge—.”
40. “Great to be back. Get out. Love, T.J.”
Austin’s column runs biweekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at a.wiles@cavalierdaily.com.
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