So the Dec’s Lawn-mocking list should be out by now — but they’re all a bunch of dirty, lazy hippies so don’t hold your breath ... Unless there’s a Dec kid nearby, then hold your breath because yuck, the stench of poor hygiene and failure — and that means I can finally see who got the Lawn instead of me! I mean, I did everything right! I turned in my application only a day late. Wait, I’m a fourth-year? It was a day and a year late!
That’s okay, I enjoyed my fourth year spent in Gooch. Runk’s delicious! Plus, I can copy and paste my Lawn app here and call it my column for the week. Once you see how qualified I am, you’ll have no choice but to vote me into the “Good Guy” room despite my public penchant for puppy pummeling and other atrocious alliterations.
Question 1: What are your University achievements?
I’m not the normal jackass of all trades that does all the BS of Honor, UJC and UGS. Especially not Honor; those tools can’t even afford an acronym. I don’t do UJC because even the kids on UJC don’t do UJC — what’s there to do anyway? It’s just the Honor for compulsive liars and kleptos. And I definitely don’t do UGS — you’re an unpaid salesman, know your place!
Anyhoo, I was gonna create my own CIO where all I do is give out T-shirts, text messages and monthly e-mails about not putting your fingers in electrical outlets, but they told me that was already started. Instead I decided to make a group about global development and other junk because someone told me they eat that stuff up on Lawn applications — er, I mean, Law School applications — er, I mean, I love TJ.
That’s how I decided to create Hoo’s a Canadaphile. It shows that I’m a born leader, also that I only like foreign countries that speak my language — English or lolcat — terrible Canadian-brand cars like the McLaughlin Fupa, universal healthcare and thus cheap drugs and playing hockey — psych, watching hockey — psych, watching hockey fights — psych, I like beating people up with hockey sticks.
And I put down that I was the founding president and led my club to a whole year of maintaining its membership numbers until the summer when everyone quit all at once, and I remembered we only put on one event ... But those little squirts held a coup and made me a lame, powerless member. But not everyone on the Lawn can be a leader, right? You need some bright-eyed followers! How can you possibly hold a Lawn progressive without a few drunken followers?
Question 2: How has your membership in our University community enriched this institution or student body?
While I’m only technically a member of Hoo’s a Canadaphile, my dad owns three car dealerships so I’m so rich. Of course, I enrich Grounds just by sharing my presence. By sharing my presence, I mean sending you sexts and being way too typeractive when I trick you into G-chatting with me.
I’m also involved with a lot of groups on Grounds, despite them forbidding me. For instance, I like to sneak into the production room of The Cav Daily around midnight and saucy-edit all the articles right before they’re published. This usually amounts to me adding the expletives helter skelter and changing the names of University officials to exotic STIs.
I also support the arts by attending the cinematic masterpieces at the Carmike off-Grounds — it’ll be a cold day in heck before I see any of those twinkle town musicals at the Culbreth. And by support, I mean, I exclusively go to the double freetures — where I pay for “Twilight” but I’m sneaking into HSM3 fo free!
I’m also real involved with StudCo, i.e. I take cat naps in the office and watch Katie Lee watch “30 Rock.” She doesn’t actually let me watch Tina Fey’s gigglefest with her because I just sit there and say LOL every five seconds, when that’s a dirty, dirty lie, because I’m only LQTM — laughing quietly to myself. You know whenever you type LOL, it’s an honor violation! When I get on the Lawn, I’m gonna make so many friends with Honor kids with S’mores, I can finally report your AIM chat mockeries!
Question 3: How will living on the Lawn further your goals for contributing to the University and the broader community next year?
Well, let’s just say I tried to hold fancy wine and S’mores parties at my old residence, but then my box on the street caught on fire! I super need a Lawn room, yo! Also I really like writing inappropriate things on Lawnies’ whiteboards — see Austin Wiles’ unfunny column about this for some trite examples of what NOT to write. But after writing biting shutdowns like “Natasha likes Robert Pattinson more than Zac Efron!” and cackling away cruelly — I mean, what blind and/or retarded person would make that choice!? — I need a place nearby to lay low.
Question 4: What can you bring to the Lawn community that sets you apart from other potential residents?
Besides my debilitiating aibohphobia (AH!) aka (AH! Again!) a fear of palindromes, I’m pretty normal and will probably just blend in with the other residents.
And by blend in, I mean I will also have a fickle passion for random things that no one else cares about. I’ll be sure to knock on all their doors and demand they put up a poster for one of my causes of the day, which may include not voting on some referendum — my voting policy is to only vote for kids with great hair, so I just ignored that question — or attending some a cappella charity for those less cute than I am. And then there’s my favorite cause: Leave Britney Alone!
Question 5: To be selected as a member of the Lawn community is not merely an honor but also a responsibility. In this context, how do you interpret responsibility?
It’s accro-easy: WWJD. What would Jonas do? I think the Jonas Brothers are so responsible, and because I know practically all the words to all their songs and how many guitars each brother has collected (Nick 12, Kevin 12 and Joe a paltry five, but who has time to collect guitars when he’s so busy collecting preteen girls’ digits? Hollerrrrr), and their address in the Toluca Lake area of L.A. (I have pictures of their house on Facebook! Friend me! Desperate!), I must be responsible, too. For instance, when I hold Canadaphile meetings in my Lawn room, I’ll totally buy the maple syrup and liquor.
I also think the J. Bros are super upfront and I’ll take responsibility for keepin’ the Lawn real, yo. None of this tooly “I love T.J.” crap — I wouldn’t have voted for that greasy ponytailed redhead hippie anyway. Once I get the Lawn, I’m totes transitioning from your frenemy and enemend, who are friends that secretly hate your guts and post all up on JuicyCampus about you sleeping with Dean Lymphogranuloma venereum, to a fraitor, a friend that’s betrayed or just basically an exposed frenemy. I’m not saying I’m going to be mean, I’m just going to be upfront. Example:
Fellow tool: Oh hey Kap’n Kool E. Fresh*, how’s your exam schedule looking?
Me: I’m working on my reality show applications. (People only ask about exams so that you’ll return the question, and I ain’t playin’ that game.)
Tool: Yeah, I’m so busy, busy, busy. I’m on my third all-nighter.
Me: Get more sleep. Deuces! (Here you obvi drop the deuces.)
*Note: Once I get on the Lawn, I’m not going to beat around the bush anymore. I’m cooler than you are and I need a new, better name to reflect that fact.
Steve’s column runs weekly Fridays. He can be reached at s.austin@cavalierdaily.com.
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