Before college, after college, and in any setting other than college, people get together for parties because of their own volition and, separately, ask other people on dates.
Reader: But I go to U.Va. ...
Austin: Yeah, you do! Here at U.Va., we smash those two things together in an anything-but-civil union, called a “date function.”
Reader: Go on ...
The University uses date functions to the max. A date function basically occurs when members of some student group each ask a date to a party. The party, however, is usually thrown at someplace incredible, with an incredible DJ, incredible drinks and incredible air to breathe. The cool thing about date functions is that you have a) a guaranteed dance partner for an entire evening, b) any group, from fraternities and sororities to a capella groups to a bunch of random dudes sitting around in a dorm who robbed a guy and ended up with enough money to put down a $700 deposit for a venue, can get drunk on the Ambitious Sauce and have a date function and c) date functions are a great way to meet tons of new people like friends of your date or the police — and no, not “the band?!”
There is a distinct hierarchy to date function venues, to be sure. The granddaddy godfather is unquestionably Down Under, located on a strip mall or something at Preston Avenue. The “or something” is included for good reason: No one actually knows where Down Under is because no one is ever actually in control of a single mental faculty when going to Down Under. Also at the top of the list of venues is Montfair, because it is — strictly speaking — a barn. Barns are cool. Try and keep up.
At the bottom of the list is Rapture, on the Downtown Mall. This ranking may be highly-gender biased. Rapture brings up the rear for the sole reason that, as far as men’s lavatory facilities go, Rapture essentially provides you a floor upon which to pee. Highly suspect. Honorable mention for worst venue to host a date function would, naturally, be your mom’s house.
One fun ripple in the date function experience is the bus ride. The student group throwing the date function usually must arrange for transportation if it is held at an off-Grounds venue. Will the bus be on time? Will it be late? Will dudes have to stand in the cold and awkwardly wonder what to say when girls cry because something went wrong with the bus coordination and this reflects poorly on their coordinating skills and well, this is just the pits because, like, her whole entire résumé is, like, basically about coordinating and stuff? Will there even be a bus at all? Worst two words in date function language? “Carpool” and “bikes.” End of discussion.
The most entertaining part of the date function experience is definitely the process of just asking someone to go with you in the first place. For guys, it’s appropriate to ask a girl about one week in advance. You don’t want to ask so early that you seem too eager, but you also don’t want to ask so late that you have to invite, you know ... a dude. Get it together, bro. For girls, it’s appropriate to ask a guy about one hour in advance. This reinforces the male-female double standard, and that, in addition to getting doors held open for them, women get everything else.
Sometimes the people going to the date function together won’t know each other well — read: from Adam — and will have to spend the time pregaming in a friend’s apartment going through riveting conversation like:
Person 1: Soooo, are you still doing that thing?
Person 2: Soooort of ...
Person 1: That’s awesome.
But by far the most awkward date function dynamic is the “Parents’ Formal.” In some fit of brilliance, someone decided the only thing that could further enhance an experience during which you get stark-raving drunk, dance like a possessed maniac and sleep with your date would be, naturally, to invite mom and dad along. Should your respective student group catch this wave and throw a Parents’ Formal, by all means, go against my previous advice, fellas.
And invite that dude. Gotta keep mom and dad on their toes.
Austin’s column runs biweekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at a.wiles@cavalierdaily.com
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