Some of you spent your Spring Breaks in tropical climes with frosty drinks by the sea. To you I say, “I hope hurricane season got a wild hair up its behind and rolled into town early, your luggage got not so much ‘lost’ as ‘chopped up and returned to you,’ and that the drinks were sludgy at best.”
Others of you may have spent Spring Break as I did, in search of that elusive job after graduation. My task this week is to help you navigate some of the murkier waters of this delightful task.
The first order of business is figuring out just what the hell it is exactly that you want to do with your, um, life. If you don’t choose the right field straight out of college, not to worry, you will be totally screwed, but you can start over looking for a new career when you’re 32 and all the successful folks will find it cute that you’re trying to follow your dreams. No pressure.
Career advisers often will say that when choosing your career path, pursue what interests you. Said career advisers might be astonished to know that you don’t actually spend your spare time “consulting,” “banking” or “engineering a !@#$%^& system,” whatever that is. In turn, you might be astonished to hear that Gossip Girl and “chicks” aren’t careers. I know. It ISN’T fair.
Still, another factor to consider is where exactly around the globe you want to work — your vocation location (hiyo!). You might consider moving back home for a year while you begin working. But when your mom calls to read you the comics page out loud on the phone, you’ll be scared straight.
The central facet of your job search will be your résumé. This is the document that lists your strengths and past experience. No better time to list “great listener” and “super sensitivity” as strengths.
But when you get to the experience category, make sure you emphasize work experience. Telling about your zany experience during a family vacation when your dad ingeniously rigged up a harness made entirely of PVC pipes and string to be worn over the chest and attached to a wheelbarrow as a means for carrying all the family’s earthly possessions while he rode his bicycle to and from the beach will not earn you a job. I know. Damndest thing.
In addition to a résumé, you also will need a pesky cover letter. This is where the company wants you to state why you want its precious job. And “because I don’t have any more money and thus cannot do any more things,” won’t do.
Should you be lucky enough to have your submission plucked from the masses, the final step in landing a job is an interview. Nothing says “team player” like wearing a jersey and fitted hat of your favorite team. Know this. Use this.
Furthermore, you will be asked a slew of super important questions at the interview. I’ll provide an example of some questions commonly asked in interviews as well as how you could respond to them:
Q: “Tell me about yourself”
A: Dissolve into tears and explain that you’ve been trying to find yourself for years. Sympathy points!
Q: “How did you prepare for this interview?”
A: “I remembered I had this five minutes ago. I live 15 minutes away. It is quite literally a medical miracle that I am even here with a functioning heart.”
Q: “What do you know about this organization?”
A: “It gives jobs.”
Q: “What do you believe makes our organization special?”
A: “Nothing. I didn’t have a poster of your organization over my bed growing up. You work at a hiring agency. Gosh, you must have to put newspaper down in your office in case you get too excited.”
Q: “Describe your ideal supervisor.”
A: “Narcoleptic.”
Q: “Why did you choose your major?”
A: “YouTube wasn’t a major.”
Q: “What have you learned from your past jobs?”
A: “You gotta bury the body at least seven feet deep so the dogs won’t find it.”
Q: “Tell me about a time you disappointed a supervisor.”
A. “I buried my supervisor five feet deep.”
Q: “How would you motivate a co-worker who was performing poorly on a project?”
A: “A blowtorch is a convincing thing ...”
Q: “How would your best friend describe you?”
A: “A caring son ...”
Hopefully this can serve as a general guide as many of you enter the job search. For those of you still stumped, Porta-John-cleaner-outers rake in $100,000-plus per year (or so I’ve heard). Something to think about.
Austin’s column runs biweekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at a.wiles@cavalierdaily.com.
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