Jobs are fairly important, and they are especially hard to come by in this economy of doom that our nation has entered. All of you fourth-year students out there might be starting to freak out a little bit. If you are like me, your dreams have started to include bone-crushing handshakes and a fanged Donald Trump wearing a cape. These are not things that one would choose to dream about. With all of your pals getting into excellent grad schools, cinching clutch internships or getting offers for their dream jobs, you just might be beginning to feel like a loser — but you are certainly not alone. I guarantee that three-quarters of the class of 2009 will still be looking for a future come May.
To ease your worries that you will be living in a cardboard box and eating stolen cat food until you die of the plague on the streets of D.C., I am going to advise you to throw caution to the wind and not worry about getting a job — not a conventional one, at least.
Who says that you can’t start your own puppy farm and make millions? All you really need are a couple of dogs — a worthy investment — and your future is set. Everyone loves puppies. Plus, you can start a puppy farm business from your parents’ basement. If they start to get angry at you and your expensive bachelor’s degree for living at home, just throw a puppy in their faces and watch as they get distracted by its cuteness.
If you are not into puppies, you could become a professional hitchhiker picker-upper. With the economy as it is, people won’t be investing in new cars — or even car repairs. Thus, more breakdowns will occur and more people will be stranded without a ride. Forget AAA — that is the first luxury item to go. People will be begging for someone to pick them up on the side of the road, so just drive around at night on lonely highways in rural areas where taxis are rare and ask for a mere $20 to take them to their destination.
(Read the following in a deep, fast-paced voice. A message from my sponsors: Maggie Jones is not responsible for any missing limbs or other maladies because of a creepy hitchhiker encounter. Do not pick up hitchhikers if you suffer from high blood pressure, blood-clotting or slow reflexes. Attractive women with weak arms should not pick up hitchhikers unless they consult their trainers first.)
Another option for those of you, like me, who have yet to find a way to make money in this horrid economy, is professional dating. It surely is a gold mine. You can hire yourself out as a date to weddings, company parties or, if you are creepy, proms. This all hinges on whether you are good-looking and excel at making casual conversation; people will soon be so depressed, however, about the state of their finances that a deformity or two won’t get in the way of the confidence boost you can give them.
Also, there is quite a niche to be filled in the Wii aerobics class market. Although the Wii is a luxury item, it has been out for awhile, so many households already have them. With so many people losing their jobs, free time will be on the rise, and nobody wants to be out of breath playing virtual bowling.
Not all hope is lost to those of you who have been rejected from grad schools, shunned from med schools, laughed at by law schools and jilted by job offers. The world presents fun and ingenious ways to make money so that you don’t have to live at home forever, watching “Jeopardy” with your parents and wallowing in depression.
Maggie’s column runs biweekly Fridays. She can be reached at
m.jones@cavalierdaily.com.
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