I’m about to finish my fourth year at the University. During my time here, I’ve studied politics, history, English, astronomy, taxonomy, gastronomy and physiognomy — OK, the last one is just a fun word I picked up from Russian literature. I consider myself to be decently versed in at least a portion of the realm of human knowledge. That’s what the fancy sheet of paper with my name on it means, right?
Despite my level of academic achievement, there are still some areas in which I am surprisingly ignorant. Of course, one can’t be knowledgeable about everything, but these are things I feel I ought to be able to get — I just don’t, for whatever reason. I simply will never understand:
Why do people choose to watch golf on television? I have nothing against golf; it’s an enjoyable game to play and a great way to get in touch with nature without running the risk of a bear attack. The appeal of watching the game on television, however, is far beyond me. I think I might actually prefer to watch paint dry, which at the very least is free of commercial breaks and is a significantly quieter activity. If I have to hear one more rowdy gallery member at a golf tournament yell, “Get in the HOLE!” the second after a putt is stroked, I may just throw a shoe at my television.
Why do electrical cords inevitably tangle if you leave them lying around for any length of time? Cords and wires seem to simply have a tendency towards disorder — chemists would call this the law of entropy. I generally don’t have much patience with people who think that the world is essentially bad and are pessimistic about everything, but this phenomenon of electrical cords has to be one of their strongest arguments that the world is doomed. We can’t even leave our electrical cords alone for a few minutes without everything going to pieces.
Why do people go out of their way to avoid Friday classes? All right, Friday is the end of the week, so it’s nice not to be in class all day. But by the same token, I used to depend on having one Friday class, or maybe a discussion section, to get me out of bed and about my business. Without that motivation, I tended to spend a lot of Friday lying around. For some people, this is a good thing. Plato came up with the Allegory of the Cave while lying around. I, however, usually just thought of asinine jokes and other pointless musings. Good for this column, but not good for humanity or my GPA.
What’s so great about Sudoku puzzles? These things came out of nowhere and took the country by storm. Before long, they were in every paper and sold in giant compilation books at every bookstore. You simply can’t win with these things, though, and I say this as a devoted crossword lover. They’re either so easy that filling them out is more or less a formality, or so diabolically difficult that completing one is like decoding the Rosetta Stone. Aren’t most people stressed enough about work? Do they really need to get in a fit of rage at their newspaper before they even reach the office?
Why do some people insist on wearing shorts before the weather warrants it? They are, I admit, a very comfortable article of clothing. But are pants truly that cumbersome? Is it that our legs cry out for release from their cotton prisons and cannot be ignored? We humans are fairly hairless, as mammals go. When the freezing winds blow, it’s time to get inside some clothes. Survival of the fittest, baby. You never know when another Ice Age might be on the way. My understanding is that this sort of thing tends to happen pretty slowly, but I’m not up for taking any chances.
Why do people keep fish as pets? As a former cat owner, I know full well the joys of having a pet. Some people like to have another warm body around the house to keep them company. A dog can serve as a guide for the blind, or protection against attackers, or at least keep squirrels away from your house. The utility of having fish is much more elusive. A convincing watercolor of some underwater scene would probably serve much the same purpose and wouldn’t have to be fed flakes, either. If I had a fish, I’d be worried that I’d sprinkle those flakes on my pizza by mistake.
So it seems that there are a few holes in my education. It would probably take another four years to clear all of these things up for me, and even then, I’d probably still be bewildered by different things; the world is a strange and curious place. I would like to think, though, that an inquisitive mind is good preparation for life, with all its peculiarities. Come to think of it, I seem to have learned one last thing here: Given the University’s angry squirrel situation, maybe Student Council should be investing in some dogs.
Matt’s columns run biweekly Wednesdays. He can be reached at m.waring@cavalierdaily.com.
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