I’ve never read any of the other Life columns — because when I need to go to sleep, I just ODPM — OD on some Tylenol PM — but I hear that they sometimes offer people useful advice or actually approach a normal topic of conversation in a relatable way. I just type up rando pages of the offensive musings in my diary — it’s a journal! No, it’s not, Doug, it’s a diary; accept it, you green-vested bald preteen — well, not any rando page, because my editors keep refusing to print a column made entirely of my name written over and over with my crush’s last name — you gotta write it at least a few thousand times to make sure it has the right flow obvz.
But for some reason the editors keep printing these debate columns, even though they’re about questions no one is asking with answers that offend everyone. I just like to argue with myself because a) I always win and b) I’m trying to develop schizophrenia — it’s so the “in” mental disorder right now.
DEBATE N0. 1: Best Spice Girl
I was going to do Spice Girls versus Hanson, but I remembered that was already answered in an MTV “Celebrity Deathmatch” — they took an easy out and Marilyn Manson killed them all. I used to really like Posh, but she gets enough attention now. I was once scarred by Sporty’s armpit hair as a child. Ginger was a hussy and a betrayer and her solo albums — I own more than one — are only so-so.
That knocks it down to Baby and Scary. Baby was kind of annoying at first, but upon numerous rewatches of their movie, “Spiceworld,” she’s kind of endearing. Also, she gets all the best jabs at the other Spices — and just like Sarah Silverman and me, she can get away with saying horrible things because she’s cute. I also don’t think anyone was supposed to like Scary. There was just something different about her from the other four Spice Girls — something that as a kid, I just couldn’t put my pale, white finger on. Now that I’m older, I realize it was her pierced tongue. Gross. And she’s always wagging it out in every photo! And then she dated Eddie Murphy, the man who killed humor through the mind-numbing “The Adventures of Pluto Nash” movie.
Winner: Baby Spice
DEBATE NO. 2: Mary Siegel versus Jason Smith
So I’m twittering, Pandora-ing, Facebooking, YouTubing and blogging in Club Clem when someone throws a flyer at me and tries to get me to sign a petition about some honor something or other. And as I blatantly turn up the volume on my iPod — to the Pussycat Doll version of “Jai Ho” obvz — I remember I was also invited to a Facebook group about this, but I like withholding my attention, so I never join this type of thing — unless I see one of the 14 cute kids I stalk hourly on Facebook has also joined it — then of course, I follow suit. But even though that was the case this time, I can’t pretend to care. Petition people are whiners. And as a whiner, I can’t support other whiners on account of they’re stealing my thunder. STEALING my thunder — they should all be kicked out.
Winner: Siegel — mainly because she gave me candy during elections and everyone — especially that stranger offering me a ride in his windowless van — knows there’s nothing I won’t do for some candy.
DEBATE NO. 3: Stealing versus Lying
Speaking of honor, I often like to think of my favorite way to violate the ol’ code. I don’t cheat, because English majors just write about their feelings and other made-up junk, and also I can’t copy Wikipedia because I know it’s all lies. I have personally edited most of it to be incorrect and a little xenophobic, plus I’ve added inappropriate “High School Musical” references throughout.
Stealing, on the other hand, is fun and profitable. I like to steal the clothes with those ink cartridges attached, because you never know if or when it’ll explode. I’m actually wearing two right now. I’m a risk-taker.
Lying is also more fun than a barrel full of monkeys. That’s a lie — I’m just trying to insult people who have barrels full of monkeys to build myself up since Santa never came through. Thanks for the EasyBake Oven, you jolly old Saint [edited for dirty rhyme]; where the flip are my monkeys!? I don’t want brownies slowly warmed by a light bulb for three hours! Anyway, lying is fun because I once told a friend that his sweater looked nice. And now whenever he wears that frumpy granny zip-up, I get to double over with cruel, internal silent laughter.
Winner: I’m going to lie and say stealing.
DEBATE NO. 4: Dylan Sprouse versus Cole Sprouse
I know you don’t know who they are — why can’t everyone just watch the Disney Channel as much as I do? Dylan’s fat and laissez-faire. Wait, am I using that word right? I mean he looks lazy (all fat people do) and I wanna take him to a fair. Cole is the skinny, smarter (aren’t all skinny people?) one with the horrible, shrill, whiny voice. So, obviously I was going to say the winner is Cole. The day I pick a fat person is the day Raven Symone is the last person on earth. But then my editors fact-checked my column — as if there were any facts to check in this — you did see debate number three has me admitting to being a compulsive liar, right? — and they pointed out Dylan has dropped some pounds. And as someone who fought childhood obesity — I was almost in the triple digits in high school — I respect that lil’ fatty.
Winner: Dylan — seriously Cole’s voice is horrrrrible.
DEBATE NO. 5: Pep Pills versus Adderall
Since I’m in Club Clem and I know that girl in front of me isn’t eating a blue M&M every few hours, I’ll just throw this debate out there. Jessie Spano made pep pills cool a decade ago with a little emotional breakdown and dance number — I think I’ve now mentioned that scene in at least half of my columns, so sue me. But Adderall has that classy “I didn’t just get this for $10 at CVS” vibe. Also, once a friend came up to me in the library at 3 a.m. and asked me for some Adderall — because I looked like someone who would have it, which I think is like saying I look tired all the time. And we all know that “you look tired” means “you look bad,” right?
Winner: Getting 12 hours of sleep a night because I’d rather flunk out than look tired.
DEBATE NO. 6: Best Disney Character
I get that Mickey is iconic, but he’s also bland, has an annoying voice and was Walt’s first creation. Like real girls, all the girl characters are diversity-adding afterthoughts so I’m not dealing with that. Pluto lives in a doghouse like a peasant so that’s a no-go. So it’s down to Goofy and Donald. Goofy had the great “A Goofy Movie” and Donald has that hot mess sailor-shirt-but-no-pants outfit going for him — I’m still trying to make that outfit socially acceptable.
He also was kinda good in “DuckTales” — the best Disney cartoon — psych, I’m a compulsive liar (see debate numba three), the best was “Adventure of the GummiBears” — but “DuckTales” was pretty good, too. I never understood where Huey, Dewey and Louie came from though. If Donald was their “uncle,” where the flip are mom and dad? I always figured it was one of those awkward situations where Donald knocked up some teenage duck, but he wasn’t ready to raise them so he gave them to rich ol’ Scrooge. And that’s classy.
Winner: Donald
DEBATE NO. 7: Disneyland versus Disney World
If you don’t even know there’s a difference then you just need to put down this column right now, because I can’t even deal with you. Anymickey, Disney World is big and has all the extra park fun — that lame zoo, educational bore-city Epcot, Hollywood Studios and of course the Disneyland-knockoff Magic Kingdom. Disneyland skips the zoo and crams the edutainment of Epcot and the non-animated movie frivolity together into California Adventure. Both places let you see overweight American stereotypes stomp around wearing the Mickey shirts they just bought, white socks and flip flops, and omg omg fannypacks while gasping for breath between bites of their churros and turkey legs.
Disney World is bigger, but Disneyland is more magical — example: the lamp in the window of the apartment above the Main Street Fire Station because that apartment was once where Walt and his family’s lived. And just because Disney World has more rides doesn’t mean it has better ones — it doesn’t have Indiana Jones or the lame yeti-coaster of Matterhorn! But really my favorite ride is the Haunted Mansion — I want to constantly ride around in a “doom buggy,” and I know all the words to that ghost jam, but there’s a key difference! In Disneyland, when you’re in the first room and the walls stretch to reveal scary pictures, the floor sinks, but in Disney World the floor stays, but the roof rises! Deception!
Winner: Disneyland and not just because every Facebook picture I have is from there.
DEBATE NO. 8: Stabbing You versus Stabbing Myself
These are the two options that enter my head every time you either say “FML” or put it on your g-chat status, Facebook status or twitter update. I’m all for an overused cliché — I am one — but I can’t take it anymore and don’t wanna hear it.
Winner: I’m too pretty to die, so yeah, FYL.
Steve’s column runs weekly Fridays. He can be reached at s.austin@cavalierdaily.com.
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