First of all, I just want to let you know you all make me sick. I know you don't read my column every week. You never friended me on Facebook just based on my dashing good looks and snarky sasstalk - by snarky, I mean I put down people to build myself up on account of my severe self-esteem issues. You also never got offended by my columns which are always racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, classist, inane, unresearched and ... is there a word for mocking future attendants of the Special Olympics?
Meanwhile, some Opinion columnists get a letter to the editor every time they compliment someone a little incorrectly. Oh, right, subtlety was never my strong point - I'm talking to you Matt Dickey! I shoulda known you were trouble when I found out you were the friend crush of Katelyn Mendoza, my hypocritical competition - seriously, I only like doing things that I hate other people doing, like tailgating, making obscure television references, blowing bubbles with my gum loudly on Clemons first floor, etc. I won't mention the heinous hypocrisy of Miss Mendoza, but the point is the little attention whore - I hate them, despite being one - is extorting me to get in this week's tirade - I mean column tehehe.
Wait, what was I talking about? Oh right, I was obscurely referencing an episode of "Strangers with Candy." So first of all, I just want to let you know that I hate all my readers. Now stop looking for the Sudoku and read my column g-dangit!
So the other Life columnists - can't I write just one of these columns without insulting my peers? Of course not, they're terrible ... Anyway, they're all writing final send-offs with advice for the summer and saying goodbye to their loyal readership, which consists of their parents and bored high school siblings. That's not really the name of my game; advice is just constructive criticism and I'm really more into destructive cynicism ever since Mandy Moore's latest music video made me lose faith in my one idol and thus lose faith in humanity and the world at large. I say I want to crash my car to test the airbags but that's a lie*, I really just can't survive in a world in which Mandy Moore disappoints. And by one idol, I mean besides God tehehe - I'm not going to heck with you and your 50 million friends that praise false idols like Kelly Clarkson and that fatty Ruben - ask me why I think he's not famous anymore and I'll give you 350 reasons lolz**. Also unlike the other Life columnists, I'm not saying goodbye, because I never said hello. Vocal greetings are for the socially desperate. When I see someone I'm tryna Facebook friend, I just use that one-finger sorostitute wave. It really screams that not only can I not be bothered with using my voice, but you're not even worth a hand rotation sucka.
So my final column will be about my fave thing - pep-pill-induced, song-filled emotional breakdowns ... wait, I meant me - I'm my favorite thing. So since I'm graduating and becoming incredibly emotional - I know I did not cry three separate times during "17 Again" because of the dramatic prowess of Zac Efron - here are the six things I'm going to miss the most about U.Va. It was going to be seven things, but a "certain" society kicked me out for adding "wink wink" after using the number seven in all of my Twitter updates, so anyway I no longer use that number. Bezidez they're all juzt the unpopular verzion of a better zecret zociety that will go unnamed becauze they haven't kicked me out yet. Zzzz zorry, fell azleep for a zecond.
1. My column
Where else can I subtly reveal my glaring ADHD by taking 600 words in an 800-word column to finally get to my topic? Since you've never read any of my columns, you lil' Judas you, I'll summarize the past 17 rants ... again. 17 ... again. You see what I did there? Subtle Zac Efron*** movie reference! Speaking of celebrity mentions, that's really all I did with this column. Miley Cyrus got mentioned in four columns. Jonas Brothers, Tina Fey, Doug Funnie, Paris Hilton, Ben McKenzie and Mandy all snuck into three columns. Meanwhile, Obama only got in two. Yep, that's all the celebrities I ever mentioned. All perfectly healthy levels of fandom. Oh, I also exposed the age-old query, what's cooler, abbrevs or acros? So I went back and counted how many times I used the swell abbrev "obvi" - or it's hip, new cousin - "obvz" - versus how many times I used the nifty acro "omg." And just like [insert a tactful 9/11 joke here cuz those exist, right?], omg lost 9 to 11 to obvi/obvz.****
2. Honor code
While I'm a klepto, clich
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