This is my last chance to influence my fellow students with corny jokes and obscure references. The loss of such an influence makes me want to lie on my back in the dark, emo-style, and listen to Dashboard. Therefore, I am determined to have no regrets. I will impart the wisdom I have been holding back, my secrets to success: the perfect dinner party conversation starters. Use these and you will go far. They will never fail you.
In medieval times, the unicorn was considered a metaphor for Jesus Christ. Look it up, it’s pretty interesting. Along the medieval beast theme, griffins were considered to be monogamous — even if a griffin’s mate died it would continue on life alone. Hence, why Harry Potter was put in the Gryffindor house — such a noble breed.
Scurvy, caused from a deficiency in Vitamin C, is a disease that causes rotting of the gums, spotting on your skin and teeth loss. It can eventually be fatal. Because of this, people from cultures all over the world have had to find ways of acquiring Vitamin C. The British Navy used to bring crates of limes on their travels to prevent the disease, and Eskimos helped themselves to some fish. For the Germans, it was sauerkraut; for the Koreans, it was kimchi (cabbage has a wealth of Vitamin C).
Wedding dresses were not always white. Queen Victoria really set the fashion trend in motion when she married Prince Albert in 1840. The arrival of the Industrial Revolution enabled women to own many more dresses than they once had because they were cheaper because of mass production — so the bride could afford wear a new dress for her wedding. Before that, women would wear many different colors and prints to the altar; basically anything they had lying around.
“Would you rather” is the best game ever. Here is how you play: you think of two extreme situations, neither remotely desirable nor realistically tasteful, and ask your dinner party pals which situation they would pick. I’ll give you a PG-rated example: would you rather give up cheese forever or walk around with a booger falling out of your nose for the rest of your life? That is a tough one. I’d never give up cheese.
In 1981, the U.S. Department of Agriculture attempted to declare ketchup a vegetable so that it could add more vegetables to the school lunch programs. The Department received much flak for that. On the vegetable theme, the tomato, eggplant and bell pepper are botanically classified as fruit. The 1883 Tariff Act declared the tomato a vegetable for import taxing purposes. I wish that I had the power to change the classifications of food — ice cream would become a vegetable, and you would have to eat it all before you could have dessert.
Again with the vegetables — celery contains the pheromone Androsterone. This pheromone is released in a male’s sweat after he eats the vegetable and attracts the ladies. So dudes, don’t use this for a conversation starter at a dinner party — just go for that platter of celery.
The mullet is rumored to have come from the fishermen in Iceland, who, as luck would have it, fished for mullets, small gray fish found in the North Atlantic, and needed long hair to protect their necks from the harsh northern seas and short hair that would not get in their faces.
Can you imagine attending a dinner at the White House and asking Vice President Joe Biden if he would like any fruit from the platter covered in carrots, celery, and grape tomatoes? Or telling President Obama you were going to rock-it 1830s style and wear a blue dress to your wedding? Or that you were going to go eat some fish because you could feel the scurvy coming on? No one would be able to resist you.
Now that I have imparted the tricks of the trade — the gold of conversation topics — to you, good luck with those dinner parties and life. Farewell to my lovely Woody pals, Ultimate buddies, Dec friends and creepy fans who wait anxiously every two weeks for a taste of my wit and charm in the excellent Cavalier Daily. Welcome, the real world.
Maggie’s column ran biweekly Fridays. She can be reached at m.jones@cavalierdaily.com.
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