Driving for me is absolutely agonizing. The red lights, the stop signs, all of the laws, my passengers always yelling, "Slow down!" or "That was a stop sign!" or "Quit reading that book!" And, of course, all of the other drivers are totally confused. I mean, if I was the only one ignoring rules, then everything would be fine. But we can't all do it at once. Come on, everyone, don't be selfish. The whole experience, in total, is just not my cup of tea. Unfortunately, I live two hours away from Charlottesville, and in a smaller town with not very much to do, so I must drive. And I must drive often.
During my reluctant vehicular journeys, I have witnessed some truly terrible driving. But I also have come across hilarious driving (See "Sadistic Driver") and some driving that is just downright sad (See "Lost Driver"). But mostly it's pretty terrible. For reasons that may or may not involve my need for a column this week, I have compiled a list of the worst of the worst, which I will now present to you. You're welcome.
The Driver Going Slow in the Fast Lane
This goob is killing me. He knew getting into this lane that he didn't have what it takes to be in the fast lane. Yet here he is, blocking traffic with his stupid haircut and probably terrible music. Disgusting.
Sadistic Driver
This person laughs while you struggle to get around them. Slowing almost to a stop if you tailgate, and speeding up if you change lanes so there is practically no chance you will pass them. If he's feeling especially creative, he may readjust his rearview mirror so that your headlights are reflecting back into your eyes, after speeding up to jump back in front of you, of course. If by some miracle you manage to pass them, he will be smiling satisfactorily at the rage he has just inspired in you.
Driver Filled with Rage
The enraged driver is a complete psycho. He's all over the place switching lanes haphazardly, jumping in front of people at random, screaming out of his window. It's almost funny how angry this person is. I mean, it would be funny, if you weren't in fear for your life.
The Totally Lost Driver
He's not even sure what state he's in. Can be identified by the scared look on his face and the awkwardly folded map covering just the center of the steering wheel. As he holds the largely useless map in place with his thumbs, he frantically searches for the exit he missed 40 minutes ago. Sad, really.
Out-of-town driver
Automatically terrible.
The "I would rather perish in a fiery car accident than put down my cell phone" driver
Everything is clearly a struggle for this person. His wheel slipped out of his hand while he was making a U-Turn, the phone dropped and he almost ran over an entire family while reaching down to feel around for it, and on top of that, he can't even manage to stay in his lane. You'd think he could tell the person on the other line to hold on for two seconds so as to not veer off into a ditch. You would be wrong to think that. Apparently it is the most important conversation that anyone has ever had, anywhere, at any point in history.
The Driver Doing the Speed Limit
You've got to be kidding. What is this? If the sign says 55, that does not mean do 50. A sign that says 55, should be interpreted as saying "55 is the minimum, but 65 is what you should really be doing." Fact.
The Hummer Driver
The driver everyone hates, regardless of skill.
The Driver Who Never Actually Learned How To Drive
Probably from New Jersey. Easily spotted, driving for too long in the merge lane and ending up in the emergency lane. Or speeding up too much and having to veer off ... into the emergency lane. This person also changes lanes without looking, and stops when getting onto the highway, instead of yielding, like the sign clearly says. Also, his car was probably built without an accelerator, turn signals or the ability to move in a straight line.
The Only Driver Who Isn't Endangering Your Life
This person is me. True story.
Although I spend a lot of time bad-mouthing other drivers and pointing out their many, many shortcomings, I am willing to admit I am sometimes prone to extreme rage, and so-so driving. I am also commonly lost and driving slowly in the left lane because I know it bothers the people behind me. But don't we all have our problems?
So the next time I'm tailgating with my high beams on because I forgot to turn them off, instead of giving me that incredulous "What the hell are you doing?" look from your rear mirror, you should wave, because you were probably doing the same thing 10 minutes ago. And after waving, feel free to get out of my way immediately.
Belle's column runs biweekly Thursdays. She can be reached at b.gamble@cavalierdaily.com.
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