Last Thursday, whilst serenely contemplating the complexities of my life (aka eating Chewy bars and staring into space), I decided to become a vegetarian. I've been easing myself into it for some time now. First, eliminating red meat, then only occasionally eating red meat, then back to not eating red meat unless I craved it, then having a little only to end up having a steak halfway through the first day. Well, after six months of confusion, I figured that maybe it was time to just give up meat once and for all. I'm not sure why I was so determined this particular day. It could have had something to do with the newfound knowledge that I could just replace the meat in my meals with strawberry Pop-Tarts, or it could have been the excess motivation I had since I wasn't actually doing anything. Either way, done and done.
I'm happy with my decision but I now realize that there were some things I could have done to make my transition smoother. First, I didn't mentally prepare myself for the change. I remind myself of important new developments by placing sticky notes everywhere because of my terrible memory, which is comparable to that of a drunk 90-year-old. This day, however, I failed to put up my reminders and I almost made the worst mistake a vegetarian could ... I almost ate meat. I hope you weren't expecting me to say something more dramatic.
It all started at Pavilion XI. I stopped at the entrance, blocking everyone else coming in the door. After making at least five people visibly upset at my total disregard, I finally wandered to the unbelievably long sandwich line. The line always takes up large amounts of your lunch time, but it is the only option that isn't oozing with saturated fat ... or is a smoothie. One hundred hours later, I got to the front of the line and opened my mouth to say, "Chicken salad on ciabatta, please," when I realized that I've been standing in line for half my life to get a sandwich with meat. And that's no longer the way I do things.
I apologized and quickly got out of line because chicken salad is literally the only thing I ever have ordered from the sandwich line and I couldn't come up with anything new on the spot. So, I reevaluated my choices. I managed to narrow my options down to sushi and pizza, but I don't really see a point in eating sushi if there isn't raw fish involved, so I made my way to Pizza Hut. But they were out of veggie lovers pizzas. I can't just have cheese on a pizza; it needs toppings. Is life this hard for everyone? Unwilling to be disappointed twice in less than five minutes, I awkwardly left without any food.
Sulking and occasionally stopping to scream, "WHY ME?!" I headed home, where I realized my second mistake. I didn't actually have any food in my fridge. That's called "poor planning," just in case you were wondering. After screaming, "WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!" I made my way to the grocery store. It was a pleasant trip. I loaded up on some delightful veggies and replenished my supply of Pop-Tarts. All was well, dear friends! Or so I thought.
I was at dinner one night with a friend. Then, all of a sudden, I was blind-sided.
"What made you decide to be a vegetarian?"
"..."
Shoot. I've got nothing. I can't believe I didn't think of the answer to this question. Maybe, because I like animals? No, that sucks! That is not a valid answer. What does that even mean? Liking animals does not qualify as an explanation. It was for health reasons? Yeah, that one's good! Oh, wait, what if she hits me with the 'humans-are-meant-to-eat-meat' thing? Should I make up an illness? I haven't done enough research. I should have done some research! Say something, you're getting a weird look. Uhh, uhh ...
"I don't know."
The truth is, I do not have a clear reason for becoming a vegetarian. And chances are pretty good that I never will. I know that being a vegetarian for no reason really upsets some people. And I'm sorry if you're one of them and are currently seething with rage at my general indifference to explain myself. But you'll get past it.
I had a rocky start, but things are looking up on the vegetarian front. I now avoid the Pav. I make sure I have groceries. And I have decided to point and yell ,"FIRE!" at the top of my lungs should anyone else ask why I became a vegetarian. Everybody wins.
Belle's column runs biweekly Thursdays. She can be reached at b.gamble@cavalierdaily.com.
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