Intramural sports, division games, March Madness, walking up stairs - all constant reminders that I have no athletic ability. It is well-documented that once one exits the teen years, one is physically and mentally incapable of learning new skills. So basically I, at 20 years of age, have no chance for athleticism and should probably just make myself a hideously patterned shawl, then lie down and die.
I like to blame my mom for this unfortunate situation. If only she had been psychotic and forced me into activities I hated and risked emotionally scarring me so that I could have largely useless talents and the nasty side-effect of clinging to a desperate need for approval. Come on, mom!
But I suppose there was a method to her absolute madness. It seems that athleticism comes with its drawbacks. Do you remember your high schools' star athletes? Dreamy! But do you also remember that he was kind of a douche? According to a study I conducted, in which I didn't actually ask anyone any questions and made up all the data, an athlete is 60 percent more likely to be someone you want to slap. As a psychology major - I'm not a psychology major - I feel compelled to get to the root of this issue. It seems this slappability springs from an overblown ego. Yes. Analysis concluded.\nIn a real, but much less official, survey conducted by the Josephson Institute in Los Angeles of 5,000 high school students, it was found that athletes are among the most dishonest students, with 72 percent of football players admitting to cheating. Let me preface this by saying that as a U.Va. student, I am appalled. People cheat? Outrageous! But really, though, I couldn't be less surprised. Athletes are under a lot of pressure. They're expected to make grades and play perfectly, all the time. And when you live in a Texas town where football is religion and all you really want to do is go to Brown for intellect and hang out with your sassy girlfriend, Amy Smart, and your father is forcing you into the game, causing you to scream, "I don't want your life!" thereby breaking his heart, one gets desperate. Wait ...
Speaking of desperation, there's that nasty steroid issue going around. Sure, at first, steroids are all sunshine and lollipops, but then you sort of start taking on the physical characteristics of the opposite gender, and if that's not your aim, then it's like pretty weird. Also, you're going to get caught, and that'll be embarrassing. And there's really no good way to play off steroid use. ("Aw man, I got these in an alley, but I totally thought they were vitamins.") If you want to know more about steroids, their uses and unfortunate side effects, you can refer to anyone in the MLB.\nBacktracking a bit to cheating. Athletes also have the uncanny - and annoying - ability to fake injuries expertly. If you've ever watched a soccer game, you know this very well. Everyone is just diving all over the place, with pained looks on their faces when the replay shows that no one actually touched them, or was in any position to cause harm. Shameful. In addition to the feigned injuries are the real injuries, which are usually of note.
Personally I don't understand why anyone would play football in any position other than kicker. Common football injuries include torn rotator cuffs, ACL tears and torn cartilage. I'm thinking that if common and less serious injuries still involve tearing and knee surgery, then that's maybe not a sport in which I want to be involved. But what do I know?
Having said all of that, I still wish I had some semblance of athletic ability. I have made very few attempts in the past, but they have all failed because I have been cursed with knees that do not work. Earlier when I said I was 20, I actually meant 112. So I guess I must find some other way to have everlasting glory. Perhaps I will join a Ben and Jerry's Vermonster team, which is, if you're keeping score, the opposite of athleticism.
Belle's column runs biweekly Thursdays. She can be reached at b.gamble@cavalierdaily.com.
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