Last night, after I finished checking my e-mail for two hours, I started reading old magazines. It was a productive night, you see. I noticed that most magazines have some sort of "Ask Blah Blah..." section. I've also noticed that the advice given is generally terrible. So I've decided to take a sampling of these questions and answer them correctly.
There's a woman at my office who talks about dragonflies and thinks she was abducted by aliens. She's one of those people who's nice to your face, but gossips behind your back. A little while ago, there was a fire at my house, and we lost most of our possessions. She gave me an antique tea set, and I thought it would be rude not to accept, but now she acts as though I'm indebted to her. I really don't care for her, but she's always trying to start conversations. For how long do I have to pretend to like her?
Well, first it's really strange that you mentioned the dragonflies and alien abduction thing because it had nothing to do with anything. I know that sometimes it's difficult to refuse gifts. But what you should have done was put it on the ground and smashed the tea set immediately upon receiving it. That way it would no longer be a topic of conversation, it wouldn't not around for her to use as a reference of how you owe her and she would hate you because you're obviously an ungrateful jerk. But because you weren't thinking on your toes and your ungrateful jerkishness is a secret now, I would say that you have to pretend to like her forever. Sorry. Also, didn't your house burn down recently? I feel like you have larger problems than an annoying coworker who gives you gifts.
I don't know if this is a better question for you or a psychologist. My girlfriend and I got a cat from the shelter after we both expressed interest in having one. But now I feel trapped. It's not the cat's fault - it's very sweet and nice, but I miss having a space to ourselves and I don't want the cat anymore. But I fear judgment from friends and family if I return it. I also have a mild allergy to it. What should I do?
You feel trapped? It's a cat. You need to calm down. Your mild allergies don't sound like they're an actual problem. Buy some Claritin and then call it a day. If you really hate the cat so much, you should probably tell someone. Having a cat is not worth being miserable. And your family and friends are not going to judge you if you give it up - one, because cats are horrific in every way, and two, because I'm certain they have better things to do than think about your cat problem. You are so self-centered. And I can't help but wonder if you know what a psychologist does. Your shamefully unmanly complaint does not qualify you for a psychologist's help.
My ex is dating a friend of mine who admitted to being attracted to pubescent girls. He swears he has never acted on the attraction and never will, but the friend he is dating has an 11-year-old daughter. Do I have to say something to her?
Um ... Yeah. You should probably tell your friend with a preteen daughter that she's dating a pedophile.
I mentioned on Facebook that I was having a dinner party. An acquaintance of mine saw it and has been asking why they weren't invited. What should I say?
That's what happens when you creep on Facebook. You run the risk of finding out that no one wants you in their home. But because she asked for a specific reason, you should tell her she is creepy and desperate and you don't want to be affiliated with her. I think that would be the best way to not have to invite her anywhere ever again. You're welcome.
I did a really awful thing and logged into my boyfriend's e-mail. There, I found an e-mail from his ex-girlfriend asking about his relationship status on Facebook. He responded by saying that he was only dating me because it was convenient and there was no future in the relationship. I've also found evidence that he is on a dating website. He recently asked me if something is wrong. What should I say? Help, please!
Hm, let's think about this. Your boyfriend is only dating you because you're convenient and he belongs to dating sites. Not just one site, dating sites. Plural. This is a toughie ... Well, he sounds like a winner. I've decided that you should definitely stay with your boyfriend and act like nothing is wrong. I think it's fine that he doesn't actually like you and obviously wants to get back together with his ex-girlfriend. Perhaps a proposal is in order?
I'm marrying the man of my dreams in a few months but I am worried about his parents' role in his life ... particularly his mother. She still makes his lunches, cleans his house and does his laundry. Am I right to be concerned about this?
Absolutely not! You should invite her to live with you. That way you won't have to make lunches, do laundry or clean the house. Consider that nonexistent problem solved!
I hope this advice makes its way to the original askers, for it is, in my opinion, expertly crafted. But if it doesn't - which it won't - then use this as a guide for giving advice in the future. I've found that people are really responsive to snarky, dismissive answers to problems they think are serious. Likewise, you also can use this advice to makes lots of new friends. Aren't you so glad you picked up the paper today?
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