Unless you were one of the few people who watched Team USA beat Turkey to capture gold at the FIBA World Basketball Championships, your most recent basketball memory is probably watching LeBron James stab Cleveland Cavaliers fans in the back during The Decision. Get ready to wash that bad taste out of your mouth because starting next Tuesday, the NBA is back. Prepare yourself for another year of buzzer-beaters, slam dunks and listening to play-by-play announcers butcher Thabo Sefolosha's name.
To help you get ready for the season, here are some storylines to follow, players to watch and a few bold predictions thrown in for good measure - and to make this preview different, I promise I won't mention LeBron again. So lace up your Chuck Taylor All-Stars, and away we go.
Everyone is jumping on the Miami Heat bandwagon but should really be focusing on a different team that doesn't end in an "s" - the Oklahoma City Thunder. Lost amid the mass free agent chaos this summer was the emergence of Kevin Durant as the most well-rounded player in basketball. Last season, at the tender age of 21, Durant averaged just more than 30 points a contest and led the Thunder to a playoff appearance the year after relocating from Seattle. This summer, Durant almost single-handedly led Team USA to the gold medal and learned how to be the alpha dog on a winning team. Throw in rookie center Cole Aldrich and swingman Russell Westbrook - who also came into his own during the World Championships - and the Thunder aren't too far away from taking the next step and making a deep run into June. With the rest of the Western Conference hopefuls counting on aging superstars - Tim Duncan in San Antonio, Dirk Nowitzki in Dallas and Steve Nash in Phoenix - it should be a classic pairing of the wily veteran L.A. Lakers and the young bucks from Oklahoma City battling it out for Western supremacy.
Call it Big Apple bias if you will, but get ready, New York, because for the first time since Isiah Thomas came to town, the Knicks might finally be worth watching. The NBA has long been waiting for its most marketable team to get its act together, and this could be the year. Although they missed out on LeBron - I lied about not mentioning him again, but seriously, no more Lebron from this point on - the Knicks landed athletic center Amar'e Stoudemire and the underrated point guard Raymond Felton. Combine these two with the scoring potential of Danilo Gallinari and Anthony Randolph, and Mike D'Antoni has the pieces to make his up-tempo offense work. Assuming they can use Eddy Curry's expiring contract to acquire Carmelo Anthony in December, the Knicks are looking at a possible playoff berth for the first time since 2004.
Elsewhere in the Eastern Conference, Boston will be putting out the best team in NBA history - if it were 2003. As it is, the Celtics are likely to set the record for most ice-bags-on-knees as the team tries to squeak out an 18th championship on the old backs of Paul Pierce, Shaquille O'Neal, Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett. Nevertheless, don't count out Doc Rivers' squad, as they'll be a tough out in the playoffs thanks to Rajon Rondo, who has put himself in the conversation of best point guard in the league.
Still stuck in the swamps of New Jersey, the Nets will look to rebound after two disappointments last year: one of the worst records in NBA history and missing out on No. 1 pick John Wall. Despite all signs to the contrary, I'm strangely intrigued by the Nets this year, as third-year center Brook Lopez has blossomed into one of the best big men in the game and, joined with rookie power forward Derrick Favors, should make a very formidable front court in a conference with only one truly dominant big man.
Speaking of Dwight Howard, be sure to tune in to All-Star Weekend in February, as it's the only night Dwight actually shows up for, making everyone forget one inconvenient fact about him - that he may be a statistical monster, but Howard is too lazy to work on his offensive game and will not lead Orlando to an NBA championship until he does.
Anyway, enough of that. You've had enough of my rambling and want to know whose going to be accepting the Larry O'Brien Trophy from David Stern at the end of the year - well, here it is: the Los Angeles Lakers lose in six games to the Mia ... the Miam ... Ah! I just can't do it! Picking the Heat to win this year would be like rooting for Goliath to beat David or hoping The Situation wins a lifetime supply of hair gel. I can't in good conscience pick them, so I'm calling an audible. This year's winner will not come from South Beach but rather from Venice Beach. That's right, Kobe, Phil and the Lakers will again complete the "three-peat" and defeat the Eastern Conference Champion Chicago Bulls in five games to win the championship. The Bulls ride Derrick Rose and Carlos Boozer to the finals but ultimately fall just short as Kobe wills his team to one more banner.
You heard it here first. Lakers in five.
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