I have finally come to terms with the fact that I write a joke of a column. If I ever find myself in a sorority-rush-like situation talking to acquaintances or family friends - the holiday season, basically - I transform into small talker extraordinaire, and this column is somehow always a subject.
"What is your column about?" they inevitably ask.
Like the journalist I am, I spin my response to make it sound like what I do can actually be considered printable and professional. So I formulaically say, "Well, there's no exact topic, so I typically write my observations on student life at U.Va. It's a way to put life on Grounds under a microscope."
If you have read any of my columns before, I am sure you called my bluff. Microscope? Are you kidding me? The only things getting blown up in this literary calamity are my day-to-day issues - which get blown out of proportion. But like I said, I have realized that this column is purely a therapy session in .docx form. If I tried to write about the political atmosphere, I would inevitably make fun of Sarah Palin and start obsessing about my idol, Tina Fey. Perhaps I could comment about real stuff going on at school, but isn't that what the front page is for? The point of sharing this internal realization is that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. In this final column of the semester, I am finally going to write about something worthwhile and scholarly. In fact, this column will be so ground-breaking that it will be Grounds-breaking. Dean Groves himself will invite me up to his office commending me for thoroughly examining such an integral aspect of student life - my Christmas list.
1. Blackberry: As a Sprint customer, I have naturally never had the best phone of my friends. When keyboards for texting were all the rage, Sprint did not know what a cellular device was. When Blackberrys came into style, Sprint wondered why Verizon had entered the fruit market. By now, I am fed up. Phones are dysfunctional after two weeks of college, let alone two years. After drops, dips, shots and hits - interpret those as you will - my phone is over its minutes. Various buttons on my keyboard do not just appear once, so my texts ennnnnd uuup liiik thhhhis@3. It's never a good thing to be accused of drunk texting at 10 a.m. on a Tuesday. Never. So why a Blackberry? Santa, I used to be anti-Blackberry, until U.Va infused me with the need to check my e-mail every millisecond of the day. With a Blackberry, I would never have that "I showed up to this 9 a.m. class and the professor sent an e-mail cancelling it 20 minutes ago" problem. As someone who used to think "bbm" was an acronym that members of a clique made up by pairing together letters of their first names - Brittany, Bri, Marie. BFF4L OMG BBM - I felt left out as an Elizabeth. Now, I know bbm is not a clique - it is a cult. So naturally, I want in, I want it and I want it now. Oh, Veruca Salt, what a mentor you turned out to be.
2. Moleskin Notebook: When I think of someone who has it all together, I have the image of a person pulling out his moleskin notebook just to scribble down brilliant ideas or tidbits of must-remember information. In perfect cursive, in perfect straight lines, he lays out his perfectly scheduled life. Given that I still write crookedly with the guidance of loose-leaf paper, I find these attributes tremendously impressive. I want to be more insightful and organized, so a moleskin notebook seems like the best place to start. I already have a planner but I feel so constricted by the boxed-in calendar days. I need a place for stream of consciousness, and at least then this column will not have to fill the void. Please, Santa, that would be a gift for all of the University.
3. Authentic band T-shirt (but nothing that would be considered emo and/or hipster): I pride myself on my 50-year-old-former-hippie mashed up with trendy-Southern California-surfer meets whatever-Country-they-play-at-the-Virginian taste in music. My iTunes library is proof, but considering I am not one of those who allow access to anyone in the U.Va. network, no one can take advantage of my truly terrific tunes. This is really shallow, I will admit, but I want some credit. More credit than random status updates with lyrics can ever give. I need a T-shirt - an unavoidable, vibrant and perhaps tacky symbol as to my not-Ke$ha and definitely-not-Justin Bieber musical preferences. This is not meant to sound like I am always up on the new music trends but rather that I have a more sophisticated taste than the Jonas Brothers Official Fan Club. The shirt cannot be too generic - Dark Side of the Moon or any Bob Marley is a no-go now after those babies hit PacSun. But don't make it too obscure because then that makes it look like I am trying way too hard to be unique ... a hipster, I dare say.
4. Taylor Swift's new CD: Many of you probably just asked yourself, "I thought she said she had good taste in music?" And you know what, I do, and I can proudly say that I like Taylor Swift. So much so, in fact, that illegally downloading her tracks makes me feel immoral. It's not like I didn't have every track from "Speak Now" moments after it was released, but it's really weighing on my conscience. I feel like if I buy the CD, I am no longer stealing from the last hope our younger generations have to be classy and sober and good people. Framed that way, it really makes sense to give Taylor that $13 or whatever CDs are going for nowadays. We are saving the world, one "Speak Now" purchase at a time.
5. Another U.Va. Snuggie: No explanation necessary. I have one, but I don't want to lug it back and forth from school. They are so amazing that I need a school snuggie and a home snuggie. What about summer break, you ask? Well, it's never too much to have an upstairs snuggie and a downstairs snuggie ... right?
Elizabeth's column runs biweekly Wednesdays. She can be reached at e.stonehill@cavalierdaily.com.
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