An early spring? Yes, we will most certainly have one. Because Phil said so, and he seems like a pretty dependable guy.
The academics call it clairvoyance. Some call it a cloudy day. Some call it luck. Others call it global warming. I call it impermanence.
Ever since last Wednesday, I have been living the same day over and over again and will probably live it every day for the rest of my life. I've also noticed that I look a lot like Bill Murray. But that, I'm afraid, is not my gravest concern. The real threat is the weight of Punxsutawney Phil. With obesity on the rise in the human population, I fear that obesity remains a looming threat to - nay, an inevitability for - our lovable Pennsylvania weatherman.
It's easy to ignore the problem, since the delightful little beast just ushered in an early spring last week and is probably sunbathing Cancun-style with his wife Phyllis - yes, he has a wife named Phyllis - as we speak. Yet reality intervenes sometimes.
According to various websites, "Every summer, Phil is fed a sip of the mysterious Groundhog Punch, which magically lengthens his life for seven years." Mystery punch for the groundhog? It's hard to say why PETA hasn't stepped onto the scene of this ritual to see what somethin'-somethin' these Punxsutawney fellows are slipping in their Kool-Aid. Needless to say, the dietary integrity of our favorite groundhog is, shall I say, questionable.
But Phil's beverage of choice isn't the primary threat to his health. A beer or 12 never hurt anyone. Yet recent Google image results show that Phil, like his Celebrity Fit Club caretaker, is getting a little "round around the edges." A file photo from New Years Eve even shows Phil surrounded by three dozen empty boxes of Munchkins, high-fiving a Dominos delivery guy. And what will this mean for our entire atmospheric infrastructure?
We all know the Hog's advice always has been scientifically objective. But if Phil continues to pack on the pounds, the propensity for him seeing his shadow will increase at an exponential rate.?Meaning that he will always see his shadow. Always.
I fear that this "early spring" nonsense will soon fade into "late winter" nonsense. In pictorial form, this transition looks something like the sweaty but smiley-faced sun slowly turning blue and putting on a parka. Which is just weird.
Everyone is aware of the inconvenient truth our planet faces. Raising awareness of the problem of global warming seems to have elicited a number of favorable efforts to mitigate its detriments and safeguard our planet and our future. And these lifestyle adjustments are commendable. But here's another inconvenient truth: Punxsutawney Phil controls the seasons.
This should not come as a surprise to anyone. What, you really believed they were caused by planetary orbit and rotation? Phil is in charge of it all - and he's obese. To be fair, groundhogs are not exactly lauded for their physique, hence the "hog", but the combination - seasonal control + lack of weight control - is a threatening one. Here's the reality: animal obesity threatens global cooling.
Plus, with all that extra winter-friendly blubber to tote around, Phil will inevitably insist on sneaking behind our backs to lower the thermostat to -12. This roughly translates to perpetual winter.
Although it might revive the polar bear population and finally cut the guys who live in the Sahara a break, global cooling could still be the biggest threat our planet has seen since global warming.
Global warming? Child's play. Global cooling? Talk about a real problem.
Enough of this hot or cold nonsense. I truly do not have a solution to our shifty climate. But I say that Phil, as well as the rest of the world, should cut back and aim for global moderation. If the Hog can slow down on his munching, then we can make some cut backs too. Not that temperateness would be ideal. It would be mediocre, and that's OK.
Kathleen's column runs biweekly Mondays. She can be reached at k.baines@cavalierdaily.com.
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