Spring semester at the University ushers in the same things every year: droves of second-year sorority girls shepherding their newest flocks of "babies", dreary-eyed first-year boys having the nerve to complain about how often they have to casually socialize, and the adoption of Greek as the University's official language. These trends are obvious and too often discussed, so it's important to draw attention to another tendency of the student body around this time of year: checking and posting on collegeacb.com. This column, however, will not bash the website, as many students do. This column will not call out CollegeACB for its cowardly and anonymous nature, its politically incorrect and often offensive posts or its broad stereotyping. Instead, I'll focus on the benefits and greater effect of the site found in a surprising number of students' web histories.
First - presumably, the people who regularly check CollegeACB cannot actually recite the alphabet, so the name "college acb" is extremely representative of its viewing population. If it were called "college abc," there might be the expectation that site frequenters have at least 20 IQ points. Trolling the site - for purely academic purposes, of course - confirms my hypothesis. For some reason, everyone keeps spelling "who" as "hoo." Now, I'm not being a grammar snob and pointing out the gross misuse of "who" and "whom," but really, this is ridiculous. I don't see any other schools with such elementary errors! Hoo thinks ENWR classes need to incorporate spelling lessons? Anyhoo, it might seem like I'm criticizing, but as I said: This is a benefit because CollegeACB viewers are at a place where they can feel comfortable with their stupidity, a place where the alphabet doesn't even apply.
Second - the posts are creative. "If frats were fast food restaurants" is a personal favorite. ACB posters might not be able to spell, but they can surely create hilarious similes. If CollegeACB were a fast food restaurant, it would absolutely be McDonalds. While universally acknowledged as unhealthy, the universe will never stop ordering those 600-calorie Chicken McNuggets. Going too often is embarrassing and something you can't admit even to your closest friends. It tastes the best late after a night out. It has its own McLingo. The management posts health notices in tiny print, knowing no one will heed its warnings. It's always guiltily satisfying in an "Oh that was so good, but now I feel like a terrible human being" kind of way.
Third - CollegeACB is scientific and merit-based. At first, I didn't understand why the site was so obsessed with "tiers" and ranking organizations and people. Now I realize this is the result of a scientific endeavor! This cutting-edge social experiment is supported by so much observational data that it could win a Nobel Peace Prize in the sciences. Clearly, the anonymous posters are unbiased students with no ulterior motives - in effect, the perfect researchers. They have developed a consistent, fool-proof method of ranking - the results fluctuate all the time, but it's safe to assume these discrepancies are within the margin of error. If University students were to check CollegeACB 10 times more frequently, average grades in math and science would undoubtedly increase from a C to an A range because of CollegeACB's scientific merit.
Fourth - this site, more than PerezHilton or even Facebook, unites the student body during this time of year. Occasionally one can find academic posts concerning classes and professors. CollegeACB has become a form of engaged discussion; now I know to take CS 2102 before CS 3102 because I need a strong foundation to get through the upper-level class. For some reason, I have a feeling that this poster shares exactly the same academic interests as myself and is someone hoos (see, I'm catching on) opinion I really respect. Apart from functioning as an academic resource - see you later, SIS - CollegeACB's most brilliant trait is that it is a comprehensive University guide. Everyone checks it, so everyone is getting the same scientific, reliable information. Goodbye Google - I think I know what my next home page should be...\nEP's column runs biweekly Wednesdays. She can be reached at e.stonehill@cavalierdaily.com.
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