I'm probably going to upset some animal lovers out there, but I have to get something off my chest: I hate birds. A lot.
I mean what's to love? Their brains are the size of peas, they poo all over everything and they disturb the peace with their endless squawking. I never have understood the people who keep them as pets either. Who on earth would want an animal that is so annoying that part of the duties of its owner is to shut it up regularly with a blanket over its cage? Seriously, what is the appeal? You can't cuddle with birds, they don't play fetch and they're not even good listeners. At best, they just repeat everything you say back to you.
But no one is forcing me to keep a bird as a pet, so I probably could look past the idiotic wild ones if it wasn't for one thing. Birds are morning animals, and as I've mentioned before, I don't do mornings well.
In fact, I can pinpoint the exact start of my bird hating ways to the mornings of my youth. I was about 6 or 7 years old, and we just had rearranged my room so my new bunk beds were by the windows. Everything seemed fine until the next morning when I was awoken at an ungodly early hour by an incessant cooing sound. A dogwood tree stands right outside my room, and a family of the world's fattest mourning doves had decided to mark their territory there with repeated renditions of their irritating call. As I grew up, I became a sounder sleeper and learned to ignore the birds outside my window. But the birds would break through at least once a week and I would resort to banging on the glass in a useless attempt to scare them away.
When I moved into my apartment this year I thought I would be free from my winged tormentors. Our unit faces the back of our building with a scenic view of the parking lot, and the nearest tree is at least 20 yards away. As I snuggled into my bed for the first time I breathed a sigh of relief, and I slept through my alarm all of first semester. But, inevitably, my days of uninterrupted snoozing were numbered.
Just across the parking lot from our building there is a huge patch of bamboo. I never saw this as a problem until now. Pandas are scarce in this part of the world, and on the off chance that one showed up I was pretty sure they are quiet morning animals. I couldn't think of any other animal that would be attracted to the plant. Then, in January, the crows came. A huge flock of them settled in the bamboo and woke me up with so much ruckus on their first morning that I thought they were geese instead of crows. I hate geese too, but at least they migrate a lot and are only a temporary annoyance. The crows seem to be a permanent settlement and are by far the worst birds I ever have had to deal with.
Their favorite morning activity is screaming at each other about 45 minutes before I usually have to get up. Their timing is impeccable. Forty-five minutes is just enough time that I feel like I shouldn't go ahead and get up, but just short enough that once I do finally fall back asleep it's only about 10 minutes before my regular alarm goes off.
I haven't figured out how to deal with the crow problem yet. The bamboo is too far away for tapping on the glass to do anything, but even if it were closer I think that would be useless. The crows in Virginia all look like they've been bitten by radioactive spiders and don't scare easily. During some of my more agitated mornings, I've considered investing in a BB gun, but I think taking shots at the bamboo patch would probably be frowned upon by my neighbors. I thought about just complaining to the landlords, but I have trouble imagining how I would phrase that maintenance request without sounding insane.
For now I remain locked in a constant battle with the crows. So far my only weapon is the stink eye, which I use mercilessly and to little effect every time I pass the bamboo patch.
I may be losing now but rest assured, the crows will not have the last laugh. These birds might be a tough breed, but I'm a college student, and we have innate abilities for sleep adaptation. If the late night rock band players in dorms didn't keep me up, then certainly I'm not going to give in to a bunch of fat feather balls.
Still, if anyone has a good scarecrow they can lend me in the meantime, I wouldn't say no.
Katie's column runs weekly Tuesdays. She can be reached at k.mcnally@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
What your contraception of choice says about you
By CD Life staff | 7 hours agoThere is no time like the present to consider the many birth control options available to us, each with their own unique personality.
It’s okay not to be okay
By Mai Hukuoka | January 8, 2025Whether talking to a friend, a loved one or a professional, it is so necessary, and human, to need more than you can provide for yourself.
Taking a break at Tangerines Kitchen
By Charley Thomas | January 6, 2025What the restaurant somewhat lacks in ambiance, it compensates for in tasty dishes and prompt service.
