I am pretty sure that money cannot buy happiness. I am fairly certain that the happiest moments of my life were products not of money spent but of time wasted. I am almost positive that money is a material good that may get me some cute shoes but never will supply me with deep-bellied laughs.
But alas, I cannot pin down my certainty that money is a vestigial aspect of living well. I cannot say with complete conviction that money cannot buy happiness. I would love to say that I have been living well for 19 years without having to buy my way into a state of "wellness." But this is false - for I love money.
I realize that I am inherently a hypocritical being. I love having money yet I hate when people are so stingy that they won't spend whatever they have in their wallets. Lifeguarding for two summers in high school showed me how long it takes to earn a decent amount of cash. It also showed me what I could do with said cash. I could call my friends and we could go out to dinner or go shopping or even fill up our cars with gas, showing our parents that once a month we could maybe be sort of self-sustaining humans.
My parents usually paid for my gas. They usually paid for everything because a job that paid below minimum wage didn't cover many expenses. I assumed that after dropping thousands upon thousands of dollars for two daughters to attend college, my parents would continue buying my happiness.
I thought because my parents loved me so much, their spending would never end. I thought this last fall when I sent my mother an email with a link to a January Term study abroad program. Under the link I described in vague details how much I would love to go to another country, any country; didn't this one look like it fit the bill? She emailed back: "We can't afford that."
I kicked and screamed and wailed that they could afford anything if it were "for my education". My mother simply said, 'No.'
That's when the re-evaluation started. My parents are happy to give me money for food and clothes and yes even for coffee, but they hesitate when I ask them to fund big trips and big ticket items. Practically, they can't afford to fund all of my life-long dreams that I created a year ago. But beyond the logistics of dollar signs and commas and too many zeros, my parents want me to figure out that I might have to start fending for myself.
This is where I start acting like an adult; this is where things get complicated. After I realized I could no longer continue to throw down plus dollars at every opportunity or call my mother every week to reimburse my bank account, I began to spend less. I made coffee at home and I stopped signing up for every T-shirt produced by every sorority event I may or may not have attended. I found myself treading the fine line between smart spending and obnoxious frugality.
This is the line that complicates the issue of money in college. This line that I'm constantly tight roping is one that every student must cross. We live in an environment where two realities exist in tension with one another: We are in college and we are poor; we are in college and we need to spend money.
To live out both of these realities, I have come to terms with the fact that I love graciousness more than I love money. My mother taught me that losing your money is less unfortunate than losing your dignity through petty arguments about who owes you what. My father taught me that "cash is king." Working within this paradox of life lessons I have figured out that cash is king when you use it and then forget it.
This method of living well does not work for everyone. I have many friends and acquaintances who keep tabs on what they're spending and who might owe them money. I cannot live this way.
Ultimately I would rather let someone "owe" me $10 for the rest of our lives than pester them every day about it. When does money become more important than civility? When does college become about how much you have in your wallet and not about how many people you can entertain or have by your side by throwing down $20 for a party or dinner?
Only an anecdote can sum up how graciousness works in college. My sister and I hosted about 10 friends at our apartment a few weeks ago; we'd purchased the party beverages because our apartment was finally clean and we wanted to celebrate it with people we like. Several of the guests offered us a few dollars. We laughed and said we wanted people to come over and that we didn't feel the need to charge them for their appearances. We pushed the money away. We found it stuck under a bowl the next day.
That night I wanted to take the money, of course, because I needed it. Who doesn't always need $5? But I also wanted the stigma of money to go away for one evening; I wanted to pretend that we weren't having fun because I spent $20. Those girls and their hidden contribution represented all that I find gracious and complicated in college. I wanted them to show their gratitude by having a good time; they wanted to show it by paying us back for the good time. We communicated without words what we all know to be true: Money cannot buy happiness, but if you use it right, it can buy a pretty solid party.
Connelly's column runs weekly Thursdays. She can be reached at c.hardaway@cavalierdaily.com.
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