There's hardly anything more disappointing than spotting a hot guy at the gym, only to realize he's doing some girly work out. I'm far from a fitness expert, but as a casual gym-goer, here are my observations on where guys belong. Walk, or run, through a typical gym routine with me.
The first gym activity is generally some light stretching; after all, you don't want to pull a hammy. Light stretching should be just that - light. Although this applies to both men and women, men's stretching should be particularly nonchalant.
Now that you're loose, let's move on to cardio. The main point of cardio is to raise the heart rate. For a seemingly simple purpose, there's a lot of variety. Most simply, you've got the treadmill. Running on the treadmill is gender neutral - for all you freaks who actually enjoy running. Walking on the treadmill is for girls. The only time it's acceptable for men to walk on the treadmill is to warm up or cool down after or before a run. That's it. I don't care if you're power walking uphill; it's not OK if you're a dude.
No matter your gender, stomping on the treadmill is entirely inappropriate. You don't look like a Clydesdale, but you sure sound like one. I can hear your tempo through my Super Mash Brothers mix, and it's obnoxious. Don't do it. Guys, stick to running on the treadmill, or even better, man up and run around Grounds.
Feeling a lazy gym day? Hop on a bike that goes nowhere. The bike is the least intense of the cardio equipment. Especially for guys, if you're on the bike, you better be riding like Lance. Coasting on the recumbent bike simply will not do. Obviously, guys are allowed a slack day at the gym, but there's a thin line. Stay in your bike lane, don't cross that line.
The elliptical is the most moderate of all cardio equipment. It can be easy or hard. Either way it's used, men should not be on the elliptical. I don't care if you're on resistance 5,687 and your elevation is set so high that it's vertical, you shouldn't be on an elliptical. The only man who doesn't look completely awkward on the elliptical is my dad, and even he might make you flinch a little. He has a bad knee, so his elliptical use is perfectly acceptable. If you're using an injury as an excuse, you better have on a brace of some sort. Otherwise, I, along with all the other girls on ellipticals, am judging you - harshly.
Finally, you've got the stair stepper. It's the only cardio equipment more feminine than the elliptical. Most difficult and most feminine? It's not a coincidence. Even though the stair stepper gives you a great workout - trust me, I know - guys aren't meant to care about their glutes. If I do see a guy on the stair stepper, I'm simultaneously judging him and checking out his glutes. My judgment will be lessened if it's paying off. Even so, guys on the stair stepper are never OK.
So, now you've completed your cardio. It's time to move onto weights. Fortunately for you guys, it's hard to make weight lifting girly. Abide by one simple rule here. If your grandmother can lift it, you probably shouldn't.
If you're a guy and completely disregarding my earlier opinions, that's fine, but by all means, don't disregard this one. If there are two complementary machines that men should not use at the gym, it's the hip abduction and reduction machines. Why is it so necessary that you tone your thighs? It's because you wanted to look great in your swimsuit at Beach Week, right? Or because your favorite sundress was feeling a little too tight there? I didn't think so. You don't belong on those machines. Stay off them.
Apart from sitting on the mats and cleaning my tennis shoes with those little wipes, using the elliptical is my favorite gym activity. When I elliptical, which I do frequently because you know, I'm a girl, I prefer the AFC. From the second floor elliptical, I can gaze dreamily down to the area my friends and I commonly refer to as "Man Land". It might be the best place around Grounds to creepily check guys out. Most of the time the inhabitants of Man Land are spotted doing their manly thing - pumping iron and engaged in bro talk with the occasional fist bump. Sometimes, you spot a girl in Man Land. When I do I think, "Wow! That girl's intense and really jacked! You go girl!" Maybe the guys view this interloper differently, but I give her props.
In the end, women really get the better end of the deal. So to all you manly men without manly gym routines - stop walking on the treadmills, hop off the bike, get off the ellipticals and get your stair-stepping glutes down to Man Land. Give me and the other girls something good to look at while we use the elliptical machine.
Abbi's column runs biweekly Tuesdays. She can be reached at a.sigler@cavalierdaily.com.
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