"Yeah, well, you're ugly." This is how most arguments end at my house. After going at it with my brother for a good 20 minutes about what constitutes a sport, he's clearly had enough. This isn't the first time I've had this discussion, and I'm sure it won't be the last.
The purpose of this article is twofold: one, to lay down a set of rules for what constitutes a sport, and two, to prove I'm not ugly - if you don't believe me, see my picture accompanying the article. In my book, sports are kind of like obscenity - hard to define, but I know it when I see it. I decided to simplify it for those of you who care by constructing a list of six legally-binding rules - at least according to yours truly. Here we go:
1. All sports must demonstrate a combination of three elements: strength, skill and strategy. This immediately eliminates all board games, poker and World of Warcraft. Poker has been masquerading as a legitimate sport for years on ESPN, but any activity that doesn't require you to even slightly lift a finger is not a sport. Yes, poker players use strength to move the chips across the table and hold their cards, but Stephen Hawking could just as easily be giving orders to someone else through his Speak-and-Spell and still clean up in Vegas. Videogames are also a no-go. If you think that you can weigh 900 pounds, never leave your Lazyboy, and still be considered an "athlete," you've got another thing coming.
2. Judges must not determine the winners and losers. I know this rule eliminates figure skating, competitive cheerleading, gymnastics, diving and Miss USA pageants right off the bat, but I figured it would be better to get this sort of thing out of the way up front. If the outcome of the sport is entirely subjective, then there's no definitive winner and loser, so it's not really a sport. I would agree that all of these aforementioned activities are competitions, but I think calling them "sports" is pushing it. The athletes should determine who wins and who loses, not some random Canadian judge or Donald Trump.
3. Nature cannot decide who wins and who loses. This eliminates hunting and fishing - much to the dismay of my roommate, who happens to be president of the University's Virginia Bass Fishing Team. I hope that since I just gave him that free plug, he'll forgive me. This criterion saves target shooting, however, so the biathlon can stay. I'd never disagree with those people anyway - they've got guns. However, if you find yourself a winner simply because you happened upon some fish with the munchies or Bambi's mother decided to take a stroll in the wrong neck of the woods, you're not playing a sport in my book.
4. NO CHEERLEADERS. I'm sorry football and basketball players, but if you're a grown man and you need scantily-clad women cheering you on just so you can continue to perform at your best, you're not an athlete. You're more like Conan the Barbarian - side note: the new version of Conan does look slightly promising. Ironically, this does not eliminate Lingerie Football, which happens to be nothing but scantily-clad women.
5. Control of any vehicle cannot determine the winner and loser. There goes sailing, skate boarding, biking and NASCAR. This does not eliminate crew, bobsledding or the luge, however, as steering isn't the focus of these sports - if I'm not mistaken, in the luge, the focus is simply trying not to die. Basically, if you could lose simply because the French guy in front of you sneezes and wrecks or Kyle Busch decides to plow you into the wall, a sport it is not.
6. Finally, if you can eat, drink and/or smoke and still successfully participate, it's not a sport. This knocks off competitive eating, golf, beer pong and yes, baseball. I'm not going to lie, as a former soccer player, nothing gives me more satisfaction than finding a reason to knock baseball off the list. Realistically though, if you can have a pretty good buzz going off a huge dip, be munching on some sunflower seeds and still be knocking them out of the park, how hard is it, really? Sports are no place for multitasking. As a huge fan of the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, this rule was probably the toughest to admit, but what's done is done - and I really wanted a reason to knock off baseball. My sincerest apologies to Joey Chestnut. I can only hope he finds it in his heart to forgive me.
And so, in the words of Emeril, "BAM!" That's all I've got. Those are Garrett's Six Rules for Maintaining Sporting Integrity - whatever the hell that means. Conveniently, the only major "sport" that fits all of my criteria is soccer, which just so happens to be what I like to play. Although I'm sure some - probably many - of you disagree somewhat with these rules, I'm sorry, but I did my best. I constructed this list in the most biased, ignorant and close-minded way possible, and you're just going to have to live with it. I would suggest venting your frustrations by playing some sports with friends, like a game of pickup basketball, for example. But we all know, it really wouldn't count.
Read More
No. 4 field hockey set for primetime ACC showdown at undefeated No. 2 North Carolina
By Eleanor Lynch | 2 hours agoWith a win, the Cavaliers would take control of first place in the ACC.
Virginia volleyball defeats Syracuse in a thrilling five-set match
By Victoria Blankenship | 9 hours agoThe Cavaliers continue their best ACC run since 2006.
TILOCK AND ISTVAN: We should temper post-Bennett expectations for Virginia men’s basketball
By Xander Tilock and Ben Istvan | 11 hours agoBennett buoyed Virginia in a way that legendary coaches of other programs did not.
