Thoughts while wondering if Sloan actually did hook up with Seth Green on "Entourage":
-If they ever make a movie based on the life of Charlie Manuel, the unintelligible assistant coach from "The Waterboy" has to play the lead role. This is not debatable.
-To me, the most pressing question of the NBA lockout is who has been forced to spend more time with their now unemployed NBA companions: the Kardashian sisters or Michael Beasley's weed dealer?
-When did Brett Favre turn into the blackout guy at a wedding who finagles his way into every picture, makes an inappropriate toast in which he not-so-slyly mentions how he was the one who introduced the two newlyweds and then French kisses the bride at the end of the night? The only difference between the two is that while the drunk guy eventually passes out or gets forcefully tossed from the wedding, Favre manages to make it to the family barbecue the following day.
-Forcing students to buy their own blue books for tests is like making someone on death row purchase the lethal serum for his own execution.
-Want to end this NBA lockout immediately? Let's put James Dolan and Delonte West in a room together, lock the door, and not allow them to leave until a deal is made, or, as I like to call it, the "you're only as strong as your weakest link" corollary. Not only would I pay an unsavory amount of money to watch those negotiations take place, I'd also bet that the only stumbling block would be who would take David Stern's job: Isaiah Thomas or LeBron's mom. Wait a minute, this would never be resolved. Never mind that.
-If you are a fan of a football team in which hearing "Chad Henne is out for the season" significantly hurts your chances that year, it's safe to say that your team was screwed to begin with.
-You have never heard anyone utter the sentence, "Man, I wish I had made it out to Scott Stadium last Saturday to see that game."
-I know nobody cares, but when did the Yankees turn into the 1980 Soviet national hockey team? Why is it OK for all these commentators to show blatant anti-Yankees bias? At least try to hide it like Joe Buck has done for the last 20 years. Hey, I said I know nobody cares.
-Is there a reason that Cabell Hall consistently smells like what I imagine Albert Haynesworth's jock strap does after he chases down hot dog vendors at the end of Patriots games? This problem can't be solved? Really? There is nothing available in the world of cleaning products that can remedy this situation?
-I honestly believe I have logged more time playing FIFA 12 during the last week than Chad Ochocinco has spent reading his Patriots playbook this season. You cannot convince me otherwise.
-I think it is obvious by now that the only way that Tiger Woods will be able to make a comeback is if he completely embraces the dark side that we all know he has but has continually refused to show us. You're telling me that if he grew out a full beard and started chain-smoking cigarettes on the course, every other golfer wouldn't be terrified of him again? Tell me you're not sold.
-I like to imagine that the reason these NBA lockout meetings keep stalling is that at the very end of every session LeBron slowly drags his chair into the corner of the room, starts stumbling over his words, shies away from questions, and eventually just keeps saying "pass" whenever it's his time to talk. Having a vivid imagination helps ease the pain of not having basketball.
-I saw the headline "White Sox hire Ventura as manager" the other day and "Ace?" was honestly the first thing that popped into my mind. Isn't the pet detective a more logical replacement for eccentric Ozzie Guillen than dull, boring Robin Ventura? Wouldn't that make more sense?
-It is shocking that after all these years of being an absolutely awful quarterback, Rex Grossman found that the key to success is becoming grotesquely fat. Or, as Fat Mac from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia would say, he just had to cultivate some mass, bro.
-Sometimes I like to think that every time A-Rod strikes out in a big situation a stray batch of puppies is rescued. What? How else am I going to make it through another six years of this?
-There is nothing more instantly satisfying than waking up Sunday morning and seeing that your out-of-market football team is playing in a televised game.
-There is nothing more instantly depressing than waking up Sunday afternoon and realizing that you forgot to set your fantasy roster the night before. You pray that nobody in your starting lineup is in a bye-week or is injured, but there always is. Always.
-And finally, here's something you probably didn't know about me: I have a 3-year-old dog named Eli Manning Baskin. Every Sunday I text my mom and make sure that canine Eli is doing well - napping, lounging in the sun, walking in the woods, chewing a bone - so that human Eli does well in his game. You will never, ever convince me that the two aren't connected.
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