I cringe when I think about what most people do with their life experiences. "Most people" may not be a fair assessment, but to emphasize my self-importance I'll pretend that it is. "Life experiences" is the euphemistic way of saying "stuff that happens to you." I don't really care what your life experiences are, I simply want you to treat them the right way. So many times I see people experience moments, days or even events which they reason away so that they fit nicely into a box of "things that can be explained and also have a purpose." Life experiences are not meant to fit nicely into a category which can be filed away. And sometimes, there's no reason for their existence.
A concrete example will more clearly define my argument. People have asked me if I plan on marrying my current boyfriend. I always laugh; it has little to do with my boyfriend or our relationship. It has to do with people's need for a reason for something to exist. They wonder, "if you're not going to do something with your time together then what's the point?" There is no point; no reason exists for the time we spend together. If we break up I will not lament the months as a "waste of time." These moments exist and that's all there is to it.
I'm not suggesting that all plans for the future and reasons for certain experiences should be thrown out the window. Inevitably, we will all reason away most of our failures and successes, because things are a lot cleaner and easier to deal with that way. But to reason away the important, emotional stuff is simply not acceptable. I want to help the poor lost souls who have compartmentalized things that are so good on their own, things which are destroyed when stuffed into a box next to resumes and obituaries.
When have you thought you were wasting your time? When have you been at a loss for words to describe what you're doing with your life? I hope you remember these moments because they could be the most important ones you've ever had. If you drop several thousand dollars on a sick pet and it dies two days later, do you have to have a justification for spending the money you spent? Or can you just miss your pet?
If you drank so much last night you don't remember what happened, do you need to have pictorial evidence to say it was worth it? Or can you just hope you don't make the same mistake again? Every time you've started a sentence "Well at least..." then you've reasoned away an experience. I know it's hard to let yourself have an emotion and let it sit, and let it simmer and exist without words to describe it or analyze it, but sometimes it is necessary.
I wish every eulogy ever read said: "It happened." Perhaps then we would feel the full force of a life. Instead of listing community services and children's accomplishments, the person being honored would be honored not because he sought all his life to be the reason for his own existence, but rather his existence was reason enough.
I spend a lot of my time wishing away bad days. I start with "Today was awful because..." and fill in some plausible excuse to finish my sentence. I whole-heartedly believe my life would feel better if my sentences were simply shorter. "Today was awful." It takes two for this change to actually occur. I have to stop offering explanations and my audience has to stop asking for them. We can all help each other to stop the mindless plague which is the action of reasoning away our experiences. Don't ask me why my day was awful, just let it be that way.
I know I'm being idealistic and maybe a little too irrational. Maybe you'll read this and immediately shred it up, then recycle the paper so that it existed for some purpose. Or maybe, just maybe, you'll put this up on your refrigerator or on the bulletin board next to your desk. Your friends will ask: "What is that?" And I hope you'll say: "It is."
Connelly's column runs biweekly Tuesdays. She can be reached at c.hardaway@cavalierdaily.com.
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