To say I had low expectations when I decided to see ‘Scary Movie 5’ this past weekend is an understatement. I had the good fortune of avoiding the first four installments of the so-called ‘comedy’ franchise, and I was reluctant to end this streak. Unfortunately, my suspicions were only confirmed. The only thing weirder than the movie was its eyebrow-raising audience — full of obnoxious high-schoolers, rowdy couples and regretful middle-aged parents.
The film’s opening scene served as a spoof of the ‘Paranormal Activity’ series, featuring none other than Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. In hardly five minutes, the duo managed not only to thoroughly make fun of themselves, but also to crack a few crude, tasteless sexual jokes. I mean, what did anyone expect from two washed-up celebrities whose most notable accomplishment as of late has been checking out of rehab?
As the movie continues, the central plot begins to develop around the pitiful Dan and Jody — a naïve couple who, after a series of ridiculous events, end up as the legal guardians of Sheen’s estranged children. Not to spoil too much, but at this point Sheen has died, while a creature named “Mama” has raised his missing children. Oh, and by the way, Snoop Lion and Mac Miller have rescued Sheen’s kids from an abandoned log cabin, while attempting to smoke a blunt the size of Paula Abdul. Yeah, it’s better not to ask questions. I understand that these spoofs are meant to be preposterous plot-wise, but the humor on display in this movie is unbelievably stale, unsophisticated and basic. Although we usually disagree, there’s a reason Rotten Tomatoes gave the movie a 5 percent rating.
Surprisingly, Dan (Simon Rex) and Jody (Ashley Tisdale) do muster up some theatrical chemistry. But to be honest, absolutely nothing could have saved this movie from the moment its 86-minute runtime commenced. After Dan and Jody inherit Sheen’s kids, the plot literally ends. From here on out, the movie takes you on a vomit-inducing roller coaster of tragically unfunny scenes borrowed from a handful of significantly more entertaining films. In its entirety, ‘Scary Movie 5’ includes spoofs of ‘The Evil Dead,’ ‘Black Swan,’ ‘Rise of the Planet Apes,’ ‘Inception,’ ‘Sinister,’ and more. I guess you could consider the film’s wide range of parodies a theatrical merit of its own.
But sadly, no clever twists or creative spins are incorporated into the lampoons — just a mere excess of brainless violence, a hairy overweight nanny and jokes concerning incest. In fact, I’m still wondering how the movie retained its PG-13 rating. After all, it’s the hormonally charged adolescents who sustain the trashy franchise’s high return on investment.
Ultimately, it seems like the film makes a living off its abundance of peculiar cameos — at one point audience members encounter Bow Wow, Mike Tyson and a pregnant Heather Locklear. Just picture Locklear dressed as a ballerina in her third trimester as her water breaks all over her partner’s face as he lifts her up above his head. Sound idiotic? That’s because it is.
In the end, that’s what ‘Scary Movie 5’ fails to realize: hyperbolic stupidity doesn’t equate to comedy. Nevertheless, the movie came in at number two at the box office — earning a stupefying $14.2 million. Sure, sex sells — and apparently so does stupidity.
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