Inspired by our recent victory against the Brigham Young Cougars, I have decided that it may be helpful to first-years to read a brief list of 10 things any self-respecting Cavalier should do at a football game. You’re welcome.
1. Cross in front of every single car you see. Those people inside probably don’t care about getting to their destination on time, and I’m sure they won’t mind stopping every six feet in order to accommodate your desire to elude the actual crosswalk.
2. When walking down the sidewalk past all the tailgating alumni, casually grab a fried chicken leg from one of their tables. Let’s be frank, you’re probably hungry and they always have food to spare. You get bonus points if you snag some potato salad. What are alumni for, after all?
3. Have a conversation with your friendly neighborhood scalper. Ask how his day is. Compliment him on the husky boom of his voice. And when he tries to sell you $24 seats for 85 bucks a pop, graciously accept his offer without hesitation — bro’s got to make a living.
4. Shout crude phrases during the Good Ol’ Song. Nothing so exemplifies our decency and maturity like shouting homophobic comments during what could otherwise be a boring, plain demonstration of brotherhood and school spirit.
5. Day drink before the game, then holler at the top of your lungs into the ears of the poor females standing in front of you. They’re trying to enjoy the game, but don’t let that deter you. Also, scream about how lame it is that no one but you is drunk. You’ll make tons of friends if you follow this specific tidbit of advice.
6. Should you see anyone with an injury, do your best to jostle them. See a broken toe? Step on it. The person in front of you in the entry line is on crutches? Crowd them from behind — they just need some motivation to move more quickly. Trust me, they will thank you for it. They will shake your hand. They will buy you flowers. You’ll make friends faster than the drunks shouting on the hill.
7. Loudly discuss all the salacious details of your hook-up from the night before as you stand squashed between hundreds of your fellow students and several visiting BYU Mormons. We’d all love to hear about your exploits, so be sure to speak up! Plus, your sexual prowess helps me stick to my monthly budget, since I don’t have to shell out obscene amounts of money to pay for cable-TV melodramas.
8. Re-enact the action on the field by making a huge dog pile, tackle style, on the hill. Get as many people involved as possible, even if they don’t want to join in on the fun. Just shove them right on down.
9. Speaking of shoving, push and shove your way to the front of the giant mass of students trying to enter through the student gate. You always hear about a few choice idiots claiming that “making a line” would enable us to enter more quickly, but we all know those people are chumps.
10. Cheer for the other team. Obviously.
So just follow these simple steps. There’s no better way into the hearts of your fellow Cavaliers. Trust me: you’ll have one hellUVA game.
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