1. The Super Bowl is never as good as when you saw Manius Acilius Glabrio kill a lion in the Coliseum.
2. Your parents always complained about the gold you spent on the latest scrolls from the Scrollastic Catalog.
3. You stayed up all night to see the white smoke announce Pope Evaristus succeed Clement I.
4. Slip ’n Slides will never be as thrilling as the aqueducts.
5. There wasn’t even enough history to fill the class textbook.
6. You’re so glad tunics now come in colors besides white.
7. Your uncle won’t stop talking about that crazy Vesuvius eruption.
8. You had to stay home because of malaria.
9. Half your friends died of malaria.
10. You still feel how disappointing of an ending the Book of Revelations had.
11. Math class consisted of writing DIX all over your parchment.
12. During the shutdown you wished we could just have senators executed like Emperor Domitian.
13. You remember exactly where you were when you heard Emperor Domitian was assassinated.
14. You’re totally comfortable pooping in public.
15. Your mom always threatened to sell you into slavery.
16. You had an Emperor Trajan sign outside your house.
17. Your Greek friends always said they were into your mythology before it was cool.
18. Your cousin went Goth so you had to burn his village to the ground.
19. You are more than 1900 years old.
Peter “Methuselah” Simonsen loved growing up in all of the 90s.
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