If you are a University student, whether you are aware of it or not, you almost certainly know someone who has been assaulted at some point in his or her life. If it happened recently, and you live with or care about that person, chances are that it affected you too in some way.
Sexual assault is a crime that breaks trust, connectedness, and safety. Thus, we as a community all have real power to help — or to further exacerbate the pain of an assault. How we respond makes a difference.
How we as a community respond is partly a policy and judicial issue, to be sure. But I think it also comes down to understanding how our own behaviors and attitudes are part of the University’s response to sexual assault.
In my work I deal with the psychological and spiritual aftermath of assaults. My goal is to help the student not lose his or her college experience, so he or she can pursue his or her dreams instead of being stuck in a painful, overwhelming memory of betrayal of trust. Counseling can help, as part of the community of support. But the breach is a social breach, and it relies on community to heal.
We need safety in order to feel some sense of control over our lives. When a person is sexually assaulted, she loses her core sense of safety. Safety means this: you know whom you can trust; you can avoid danger; you can say yes or no; and you defend yourself verbally and physically in the face of coercion. We take that sense of safety for granted until we experience its loss.
We also want to assume that danger only comes from people outside our social group. Unfortunately, in the case of sexual assault on Grounds, that is overwhelmingly not true. Frequently, the people doing the assaulting are acquaintances and friends of the people they assault, and the assaults occur in familiar surroundings that are normally safe. Sometimes I wonder if the assailants have any idea of the tremendous suffering they cause by giving in to an impulse to have sex where there is no affirmative consent, or if the people who joke about rape understand that they too are causing real, lasting damage by shaming and silencing those affected, and undermining their ability to trust.
As a community, we tend to want to ask a person who reveals that they were assaulted: “What happened?” We want to know if they said no, or whether the people involved were drinking, and whether the “victim” fought back — as if the answers to these questions determine whether the trauma has occurred or not. Regardless of whether it will stand up in a court of law, if someone calls it trauma, the best thing you can do is to assume that that is how the person experienced it, and support them in seeking help.
We want to believe that we are safe, and that anyone can be safe if they just follow certain rules. The sad truth is that we exacerbate a person’s trauma when, to comfort ourselves, we ask questions that blame or diagnose the person, dismiss them, or treat them as weak. For many people, not being believed (or being judged) feels like another trauma. And it gives the perpetrator a pass. Do we do that when a murderer kills?
Reactions to trauma can be different for different people, and they don’t necessarily progress in any kind of orderly fashion. They can include a rollercoaster of feelings and behaviors, things that mess with every aspect of one’s waking and sleeping life, including sleep, focus and memory. The really good news is that trauma can be helped.
At the Women’s Center’s Counseling Services where I work, we are part of the University’s network of services available to students dealing with sexual assault and other trauma. We use evidence-based approaches to help a client identify goals, resolve symptoms, grieve what happened, and foster resilience. Our services are free and confidential.
How can you personally create a safer, healthier community at the University? If you see someone acting out in a way that seems out of character, don’t just chalk it up to “craziness” or “drama” or “a bad mood.” Ask them if they want to talk. If they do, listen attentively, and reflect what they are saying without your own interpretation. Show you care. Try not to ask a lot of questions. Don’t blame. And if they ask for advice, let them know that resources are available to help. Don’t accept the idea that there is nothing you can do.
_Margaret Edwards, LPC, is a trauma counselor at the Women’s Center. Learn more about her work and the Women’s Center by visiting womenscenter.virginia.edu/counseling
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