There are many unfortunate specimens one encounters when going out: the crier, the midnight twerker, the constant complainer and even the Miley Cyrus impersonator. But these are the harmless. Regrettably, a trip to Trinity on a Friday can bring a whole other class of drunken personalities.
What types of drunks could I possibly be referring to? It’s the destructive drunks — and there are three kinds. All real, all dangerous and all worth avoiding the moment you spot them across the bar. Here are some useful tips for identifying — and avoiding — “the fighter,” “the stalker” and “the bragger.”
1. The fighter
Description: red-faced, falling without moving, a blown up sense of self-worth and undeniable need to compensate for lacking elsewhere. But beware — a fighter can be of either gender.
My brother recently became victim to a female fighter. He ultimately lost the battle, his future fiancé and the functioning use of one of his fingers.
The swirl and whirl of too many strong drinks filled my brother’s head as he saw a potential soulmate (for the night): a beautiful girl standing near Christian’s Pizza. He approached her, arms and heart open wide, while he said, “You are beautiful! Will you marry me?”
The girl advanced toward my brother, closer and closer. She placed her hand on his, fingers latched together — a moment quite picturesque until, suddenly: “Thwwump.” The girl had thrust my brother’s fingers in a direction they did not belong, and out rang the cringing “crack” of a breaking bone. The lesson he learned? Next time, have a ring.
More importantly, my brother walked away knowing to be careful when approaching a fighter. It’s clear, despite alcohol’s inhibiting effects on one’s motor skills, one’s fight-or-flight instincts are curiously escalated when drunk.
2. The stalker
Description: Usually the possessive person in a recently ended relationship, a desperate and confused first-year, a “no shame” mindset-holder or the guy at the bar who cannot get with anyone.
Nothing screams, “Great decision breaking up with me!” more than the pathetic puppy following his or her lost lover. If you follow your ex from bar to bar and room to room, they’ll likely figure out you either put a tracker on them or set up the Find My Friends phone app when they slept.
Best ways to avoid a stalker? Leave breadcrumbs leading to nowhere, throw your drink in their faces before booking it or play tit-for-tat, when the prey becomes the predator. See? I told you it can be animalistic.
3. The bragger
Description: Mainly male, tends to stay close to the bar, often will have gained the freshman 15 and has the dubious skill of boring you within 15 seconds of starting a conversation.
The bragger’s largest accomplishments typically include a high alcohol tolerance, a lack of motivation to succeed in school and the scars from “The Hangover”-like stories. You think one conversation with a bragger is bad? Wait until you have to hear it all again in the next hour when they inconveniently forget your earlier conversation. Do they not realize hearing it once is one time too many?
Easily identifiable from afar, look for someone who is the exact opposite of a marriage prospect. Unfortunately, braggers are as common as Lawn streakers on a Friday night.
When braggers tell me how many more shots they can take, I admit I raise my eyebrows. They may mistake this response as a sign of interest, but they do not owe themselves this flattery. I promise it is nothing more than feigned intrigue in an attempt to avoid reiteration. Ultimately, though, it is a win-win: I finally get away and they feel temporarily accomplished. Scary, right?
Should you run into one of these undesirable creatures, remember the solutions provided in this article or the general framework of responses. May your nights be forever free of these all too loyal Bacchanal followers.
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