Start with some stretches and remind yourself that mortality is inevitable. Your body is naught but a transient and coarsely assembled mass of blood, tendons and assorted viscera. Ultimately your memory will fade into oblivion no matter what you do and no matter how strong your calves are in life. Nothing matters. Now you’re ready to work out.
A general rule of thumb in choosing an exercise regimen is: the worse the graphic design, the better the workout. What typeface does the well-meaning health blogger use? Arial? Weak. Bolded Papryus over a pastel watercolor background? Perfect.
To get pumped up, put on the sort of music you listened to when you were hitting puberty and had the energy to care about things. While lunging to the beat of “Anarchy in the UK,” remember the time you wrote a searing exposé on abstinence only education for your eighth grade Optimist Club essay. Remember how you were sticking it to The Man? Remember how The Man was Mr. Knox? Caring? Remember caring?
Visualize clear goals for yourself. The goal is for people to look at you and think, “If this was the Middle Ages, I would totally marry that girl because she looks like she would a) survive the winter b) have an affordable dowry c) be able to chop a lot of wood,” and then think, “Good thing I don’t live in the Middle Ages because I’m going to hit on that wispy girl with less threatening muscle definition.”
Alternatively, the goal is for people to look at you and think, “That girl has the body of a goddess. I’m not going to approach her lest she turn me into a stag and hunts me down with a pack of hounds.” Take a break and stretch while you google those dogs that look like wolves (Alaskan Malamute). In any case, the goal is for people to leave you alone and let your corporeal form disintegrate in peace.
Charlotte Raskovich is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily.
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