University officials announced plans for an extravagant 271st birthday celebration for U.Va. visionary and People Magazine’s 1776 “Sexiest Man Alive,” Thomas Jefferson. The event will occur on April 13th, 2014 and will feature singing, dancing and cake, all culminating in a University-wide streaking of the Lawn at precisely 12 a.m.
In order to properly honor Jefferson, the University has agreed to slightly modify the process of streaking for this particular night. While looking through the keyhole, the students are expected to sing their most passionate rendition of “Happy Birthday” to Mr. Jefferson’s figure within the Rotunda. It is estimated over 20,000 members of the U.Va. and Charlottesville community will partake in the celebration.
“In planning the event, we really wanted to embody the Jeffersonian ideals this University was founded on—life, nudity and the pursuit of frattiness,” Dean of Students Allen Groves said. “It’s important that the University is able to come together and partake in something so rooted in this institution’s tradition and history.”
As many are aware, streaking the Lawn was an integral part of Mr. Jefferson’s life. It is common knowledge his favorite saying was “Get naked or get out”— a sentiment scholars have found echoed in many of this country’s governing documents. His wife, Martha Jefferson, often cited his daily streaking as the reason TJ was so yolked. His affinity for running across his Academical Village in the nude is confirmed by his gravestone, which reads “Here lies Thomas Jefferson… Father of the University of Virginia and Inaugural Streaker.”
Students have been eagerly awaiting and preparing for the festivities. First-year College student Lara Armstrong says she has been training intensely to conquer the half-mile course by walking to the AFC daily to get a Freshens smoothie—with protein, of course.
“It’s been a strenuous affair, but I really want to be a part of something bigger than myself. This is something that’s going to go down in history and I can’t pass the opportunity up,” Armstrong said.
First-year college student Pooja Ranganathan speculates as to the atmosphere to be brought on by the event.
“Campus should be hype. Especially for the freshmen,” Ranganathan said. She was immediately dismissed from the University for two counts improper terminology use. It was later found out she was actually an undercover student from Virginia Tech. Her Honor trial is pending.
The ghost of Edgar Allen Poe has communicated his intention to attend the event via Ouija board. “Watch out for the Saran™ wrap, suckas!!!” said Poe during his séance.
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