It is 10:11 p.m. and I am running. The sun set hours ago and my eyes are already beginning to droop from exhaustion, yet I move as quickly as my feet will take me. Faces turn in my direction as I brush by them. Glaring fluorescent lights heighten the madness flickering in my eyes. Finally, I stop. I have found it.
Like Indiana Jones lifting the Chachapoyan Fertility Idol, I raise above my head the booty before me: the infamous Perfect Bacon Bowl. I swear to you, there is some sort of hallowed, bacon-y light radiating from its box.
“What on God’s green Earth are you doing, Laura?” you may ask. “Put that down. That is a cheaply produced, overpriced meat pit made by people who exploit Americans’ love of crispy bacon.” Yes, yes it is. And it’s the perfect present for my housemate’s birthday. He mentioned once he’d like a Perfect Bacon Bowl, and here it is. I am fulfilling his wish.
Or am I? Here’s the thing. I generally stick to two more cliché gifts when shopping for my male friends: cheap cologne and sweaters. These items have always seemed to perfectly balance thoughtfulness and nonchalance. But do guys even like these gifts? Do they even use them?
In search of answers, I turned to several of my male friends for their idea of the perfect gift. The guys I asked are all relatively diverse as far as year, major and extracurriculars go. Please note the information below is about as informal as it comes. It does not represent a random sample of the University’s male preferences, and is not meant to make any grand-sweeping claims about men in general.
Individual 1: Jeremy*
Jeremy is a fourth year who frequents the a cappella scene. Ladies simultaneously love him and want to be him.
Ideal Gift: Hangout time
Whoa there, Jeremy, way to attack all my feels! As I see it, there are two main selling points with this gift: it’s free, and it’s the gift that keeps on giving, since hanging out with you is one of my favorite things.
Individual 2: Chad*
Chad is a fourth year double majoring in computer science and Latin. Chad likes gaming.
Ideal Gift: Keurig coffee brewer
I hear you Chad — coding is no joke — and if memory serves, Latin uses about 7,821 different verb endings. You deserve that cup of perfectly brewed coffee. This is a very practical gift idea, which I respect immensely. And when I have two spare $100 bills lying around, I will make sure you get that cup of coffee. I’ll even throw in a mug.
Individual 3: Percy*
Percy is a biology major currently applying to dentistry school. As best as I can grasp, this means he’s a corporal embodiment of Hermey from “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”
Ideal Gift: Something “Avengers”-related
OK, Percy. This is very vague. Should I buy a poster? Perhaps a coffee mug, so you can have a cup with Chad? I’m forced to leave this idea alone for time being, I’m afraid.
Individual 4: Rob*
Rob is a second year who likes theater. Don’t we all, Rob?
Ideal Gift: A big toy
Now I know how to incorporate the “Avengers” theme — I’ll just buy a Loki action figure. Good. Done.
Individual 5: Nathan*
Nathan is a second year studying electrical engineering. Good for you, Nathan.
Ideal Gift: A nice overcoat
According to Nathan, “nice” can be loosely translated to “pretty expensive.” I’m a poor college student, which loosely translates to “it ain’t gonna happen.” But wait! I can buy a Barbie peacoat for the Loki doll — it’s all the rage in Asgard this year, and homeboy shouldn’t be walking around without a coat. Outer space is cold this time of year.
Individual 6: Bert*
Bert is a fourth year studying music and he likes long hair.
Ideal Gift: A six pack
I’m guessing he means beer and not abs. To be honest, I thought this response would come up sooner. I’m all too happy to honor your request, Bert. It’s easy enough to fill. Oh, shoot — what type of beer do you want?
Individual 7: CJ*
CJ is actually an alumnus. We’ll try not to hold that against him. Sometimes people graduate, and it’s just not their fault.
Ideal Gift: Money
You and me both, CJ. Actually, you and me and every broke college kid ever. I’ll give you half of what’s in my pocket…which means you get 23 cents and a paperclip. Maybe we can just have hangout time, instead? You never know, I may bring Loki doll to play with us and a six pack. I’ll even buy you a cup of coffee. Oh, and I promise not to bring cheap cologne or a sweater.
*Names not actually Jeremy, Chad, Percy, Nathan, Rob, Bert or CJ.
Laura’s column runs biweekly Fridays. She can be reached at l.holshouser@cavalierdaily.com.
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