Few people acknowledge the lethal potential of ice cubes. They are usually seen as harmless, quotidian, perhaps even boring. Ice cubes are perhaps the least criticized item Americans consume on a daily basis. This is a missed opportunity, as ice cubes, like most vexing topics, raise more questions than they do answers.
Tourists travel thousands of miles, toting guidebooks and consulting blogs to discover the best authentic cuisine in a new country. Most “gastronauts” follow the cardinal rule: “Thou shalt not consume local water.” Local water is notorious for sending even the most kombucha-chugging, sauerkraut-chomping traveler into the doldrums. These travel experts will order bottles of extraordinarily expensive bottled water to avoid apparently dangerous local water. Upon the bottle’s arrival, ice is often requested, as it is so omnipresent at home. It is in this harmless glass of water that the insidious ice cube, composed of local water, is introduced. This stealthy introduction has brought many travelers to their knees.
Even when the cubes themselves are benevolent, they cause us to behave in bizarre ways. It’s difficult to identify the precise emotion that compels me to order an ice tea with light ice. I suppose it’s some innate desire to extract some extra value out of a transaction, but at five dollars a tea, who am I kidding? I must concede, the tannins in traditional ice tea will cause it to cloud if it is chilled before serving. Tepid tea is fundamentally disgusting, making ice a necessity. Starbucks, however, uses a tea concentrate and could easily use chilled water without consequence. This makes Starbucks’ use of excessive ice particularly egregious.
Ice cube trays are just confusing. Am I supposed to let the faucet run and fill the whole tray or do I gingerly fill each compartment? With all of the useless maxims which permeate our lives, such as, “this contains pork” on a package of bacon, where is a good ice cube manual when you need one? Though not nearly as lethal as the pathological threat some foreign ice cubes pose, the spillage that inevitably occurs during the six-foot journey from the sink to the freezer can lead to some harrowing falls.
The ice tray is like a United Nations international zone — no one really knows what to do or who is responsible. It’s this preposterous game of who can get away with not filling the tray. Yet, everyone has a conniption when there is a single cube left. I understand the UN is very busy, but it would not be the worst idea to propose some international standards on ice cubes. Perhaps, if less than 30 percent of the tray remains, it must be refilled. Alas, like all ice cube policy, this standard is arbitrary.
Communication via cube is profoundly under-analyzed. How is it that we accept heart-shaped ice cubes as entirely platonic? How is crushed ice not seen as in some way threatening? Your host has intentionally mutilated ice and is pro-dilution. Even the inclusion of ice cubes can be taken as a sign of unpreparedness or inability to regulate the water temperature.
Admittedly, when offering ice, one must also consider the ice chewers. With so many ice chewers among us, their position remains poorly understood. In the past, I would have said their habit was Freudian, but oral fixation has become passé as evidenced by the waning popularity of 50 Cent’s “Candy Shop”. Maybe they are teething or just a little bored?
Ice cubes can still be joyful. When used deliberately, ice cubes can be excellent instruments of dilution. Their creation can be an amusing, though challenging, endeavor. I’ve gone to great lengths to make the perfect crystal clear sphere of ice. The sphere, not the cube, offers the best melting to cooling ratio. The making of clear ice requires not only double boiling purified water but also freezing the spheres twice. The first batch is inevitably marred by clouding impurities that must be chipped away. The key is to make the original block in an open cooler, so that as the ice freezes, the impurities are pushed to one side. Once frozen, the impurities can be easily removed. If this seems too complicated, save yourself the trouble and patronize your local deli.
Abraham’s column runs biweekly Fridays. He can be reached at a.axler@cavalierdaily.com.
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