Several weeks ago, I wrote a column musing about how to shop for men after a botched attempt to please my housemate with a bacon bowl. I will now attempt to do for girls what I did for guys and wander through the wish list of women on Grounds — just in time for the holidays.
Surely, girls don’t just want lotion and perfume and diamond necklaces from the Kay Jewelers’ counter. Surely, we’re sick of our parents, our boy friends and our boyfriends assuming we want another pair of shoes, right?
To find out, I reached out to friends of every year and various majors, asking them to name the gifts they truly want for Christmas. I polled 26 ladies and found several major trends. Predictable? Partially. Cheap? Decidedly not. What can I say — the female gender has unequivocally good taste.
Check out some highlights below, my dear male chaps, and start taking notes for Black Friday. We’re not nearly as picky as you make us out to be. If you still feel uncertain after reading, take us to Disney World; three girls listed an all-expenses paid trip to the Happiest Place on Earth as their number one gift.
INDIVIDUAL 1: Chastity*
Chastity is a fifth-year Education student who likes warm hugs. And yes, that was a “Frozen” reference.
GIFT: “SHOES — very expensive, nice shoes. Boots probably.”
Chastity isn’t alone in this request; four other ladies also responded with shoes, though only two requested boots. The others wanted a pair of Christian Louboutin smoking flats and Ugg bedroom slippers. Clearly we don’t see enough Uggs flopping around Grounds as it is.
INDIVIDUAL 2: Kathy*
Kathy is a second-year foreign affairs major who splits her time between theater and her sorority.
GIFT: “Literally anything warm.”
Again, four other girls responded saying they want scarves or sweaters. I fully endorse this decision, since my body is incapable of conserving any type of heat. For an easy go-to gift, grab a cozy cable knit from American Eagle. We love buying sweaters for guys and you’d think guys would’ve figured out by now it’s all a clever ruse to brainwash them into buying sweaters for us in return. Holiday songs be damned; love doesn’t keep you warm, cable knits do.
INDIVIDUAL 3: Lillian*
Lillian is a fourth-year biology major who may or may not have cried when baby Groot did his little baby Groot dance at the end of “Guardians of the Galaxy.”
GIFT: "Forceps with a serrated fine tip."
Don’t know what forceps are? Congratulations; you’re probably an English or Media Studies major like myself. Forceps are like eye tweezers for science labs; they pluck and pull and place, but you don’t have to squish up your eyes in pain when you use them.
INDIVIDUAL 4: Carlotta*
Carlotta is a Religious Studies and biology double major with a minor in bioethics. She flies to class on angel wings and leaves a trail of sunshine, rainbows and candy wherever she goes.
GIFT: “Something meaningful to whatever our relationship is, like a picture.”
I would expect nothing less from you, you kind soul. Honestly, this is an A+ answer. Anyone can go out and pick up a sweater, but few will find a way to represent all the complexities entailed by a relationship in a single, thoughtful gift.
INDIVIDUAL 5: Phoebe*
Phoebe is a third-year psychology major, which means she can read your mind just by sniffing you.
GIFT: “An interior designer who would purchase custom furniture for my rooms every time I move and who would redesign for the appropriate season.”
Bonus points if you volunteer yourself for Phoebe. Interested individuals should have the bluntness of Tim Gunn and attractiveness of that sexy flannel-wearing Property Brother. Email pimpmyroom@gmail.com for more info.**
INDIVIDUAL 6: Tabitha*
Tabitha is an English major who likes snuggies, tea and sending emails prematurely.
GIFT: "Walter White action figure from Toys 'R' Us. Or a Han Solo shower curtain. Or a Tauntaun sleeping bag from ThinkGeek.com."
In other news, Tabitha probably buys her male friends the best gifts ever. Is every male reading this in love with her yet?
INDIVIDUAL 7: Sabrina*
Sabrina is a foreign affairs major who, sadly, is not a teenage witch.
GIFT: "Homemade pancakes or a time turner."
See? We’re genuinely not that difficult to please. Anyone can make pancakes. Bonus points shall be awarded if you drape a time turner over the flowers you serve with our pancakes — in bed, of course. That way, we can re-eat our pancakes over and over and over again. Oh, you get extra-special bonus points if you add chocolate chips.
INDIVIDUAL 8: Molly*
Molly is a first-year chemistry major who throws ragers in Club Clem.
GIFT: "Straight A's"
If anyone gives me straight A’s for Christmas, I will buy you Wings Over every day for the rest of your life. You are the glittering holy grail among a cabinet of wooden mugs. You are Meryl Streep in a crowd of Kardashians. You are Gandalf when he returns dressed like an angel and saves everyone, even though they don’t deserve it.
*These are not real names. I’m fairly certain no one has named a girl “Chastity” since 1954.
**Don’t email this address. Go watch the sexy Property Brother instead.
Laura’s column runs biweekly Fridays. She can be reached a l.holshouser@cavalierdaily.com.
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