I’m sure you were all as disappointed as I was when your acceptance letters to Hogwarts never arrived in the mail. I still think mine was lost and will turn up on my doorstep one of these days. Getting my acceptance letter to the University seemed fairly comparable, though, which has me thinking — what if the University was Hogwarts?
It certainly has a lot in common with the School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Hogwarts accepts an elite few for entrance to its fine establishment.
We may not have Mrs. Norris scurrying around Grounds eavesdropping on students, but we do have several opossums which enjoy terrifying students on their walks home from bars as if they’re judging us for indulging in revelry and are preparing to report us.
Also, the walls of Alderman keep rearranging themselves, much like the Hogwarts staircases. The exit is indisputably never where you left it. Once, I got lost in Alderman and a paper sign literally instructed me to walk through a wall in order to exit.
This brings us to the famous Hogwarts houses debate: what majors belong in which house? I will now give this subject its due attention.
HUFFLEPUFF
Hufflepuff notoriously receives the most flack from Harry Potter fans. Hufflepuffs are the butt of our jokes and bear the brunt of the wizarding world’s scorn. But we need to lay off the Hufflies. They can’t help it they’re so common.
House Traits: Strong work ethic, patient, open minded, kind
Nursing School: Clearly you’re hard working and kind if you’re willing to subject yourself to various airborne diseases. Madam Pomfrey would be proud.
Ecology: Hufflepuffs want to give every plant a hug — even Mandrakes and Snargaluffs. Don’t let the haters bring you down; plants are cool.
Archaeology: Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders — and archaeologists are particularly good at finding ancient ruins and lost artifacts. Indiana Jones was undoubtedly a Hufflepuff, since he found every magical relic known to man.
Economics: Econ majors are essentially the students who asked the sorting hat to put them in McIntire and the sorting hat said, “You would not like it there. You’re too nice for McIntire. Stay in Econ where things are warmer and fuzzier but still pleasantly challenging.”
RAVENCLAW
Ravenclaws are either quirky oddballs or intense overachievers — either Luna Lovegood, or Cho Chang. They take pride in their academic prowess, even if this can sometimes be off- putting to others.
House Traits: Witty, eccentric, wise, original
English: Creative but introverted, English majors would be perfectly at home reading Plath and Bronte and Shakespeare in Ravenclaw’s tower common room.
Astronomy: The aforementioned common room has a domed ceiling painted with stars. Case closed.
Women, Gender and Sexuality: Ravenclaws, pardon my French, don’t take shit from nobody. They pioneer intellectual and social movements. Also, Ravenclaw is the only Hogwarts House with a female preeminent ghost. All hail the Grey Lady!
Drama: You are all Luna Lovegood in the best way possible. That is all.
GRYFFINDOR
Admit it — everyone, at some point in his or her life, has wanted to be in Gryffindor. They’re arrogant, self-righteous and bossy, but they get the job done, and their Quidditch Team is killer.
House Traits: Daring, brave, headstrong, loyal
Architecture: They stay up until ungodly hours of the night working on projects, but they’ll defend the Architecture School far past their last dying breath. That’s real loyalty.
Biology: Like ecology majors, you seem to be in a longstanding relationship with plants, but you also journey into the dangerous realm of genetics, and the like. You’re the Neville Longbottoms of the University.
Foreign Affairs: Like Sirius Black, foreign affairs majors are capable of great evil, but seek to use their power for good. They might be troublemakers on occasion, but they’re nice people and their headstrong, daring ways will hopefully prevent any future world wars.
Statistics: Gryffindors are brave. You guys are brave for majoring in statistics. Congratulations.
SLYTHERIN
Slytherins are dangerously smart, but you can’t trust them as far as you can throw them. Also, any students in the majors below might turn out to be a Dark Lord. Be on your guard.
House Traits: Cunning, ambitious, resourceful, strong leaders
Government: If foreign affairs majors are equivalent to Sirius Black, Government majors are his indisputably evil but ultimately well-intentioned brother, Regulus. Regulus was a Death Eater, but his path took a 180-degree turn when he defied Old Voldy’s orders. Government majors, you have the power to do exceptional good — but you also might turn into dirty politicians like Frank Underwood. Choose carefully.
French: French has always seemed to me the most fancy, hoity-toity of languages, and Slytherins are infamously elitist. Plus, I would pay good money to see Malfoy’s beautiful blonde head wrapped in a black beret as he strode about Hogwarts eating a croissant.
McIntire: Commerce majors are intimidating. I once ventured into Rouss as a first year, not realizing it was the Comm School clubhouse. I kid you not, it was exactly like when Harry took Polyjuice Potion to infiltrate the Slytherin common room. All the McIntire students knew I didn’t belong there. They could smell it on me. They could see it in the fear buried deep in my eyes. I ran out of those dungeons — I mean, Rouss — as quickly as possible. Leave Rouss to the Commerce majors.
Laura’s column runs biweekly Fridays. She can be reached at l.holshouser@cavalierdaily.com.
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