It was a quiet Monday night on the Corner as fourth-year Architecture student Emily Heymann and third-year Commerce student Mike McConnell met each other for the first time. As they walked to dinner, both students were hesitant about what was to follow — asking each other a set of 36 questions which are particularly intimate for a first date.
In a recently published New York Times article, Mandy Len Catron channels psychologist Arthur Aron’s work to test if intimacy can be fostered between strangers through a series of 36 questions. The questions are divided into three sets based on intimacy level. The successful results of Catron’s experiment inspired Heymann and McConnell’s blind date experiment.
At 7 p.m., Heymann and McConnell met on the steps of Old Cabell Hall before proceeding to Boylan for burgers and Bold Rock hard cider.
“I was a little nervous because [the date] was structured with all the questions,” Heymann said. “36 questions is a lot, and we went through all 36.”
After Heymann and McConnell introduced themselves for the first time, the tension dissipated and easy, comfortable conversation ensued.
“I thought [Emily] was cool right away,” McConnell said. “The atmosphere became pretty cordial after a few minutes of talking. It wasn’t really awkward. I had a feeling it was going to be a good dinner.”
Before the date, both Heymann and McConnell said they were intimidated by the intensity of the questions. They said many of the questions resembled ones they would ask a close friend — not a first date.
“A lot of the questions seemed more like friend questions because you would be sharing things that you [normally] wouldn’t be willing to share on a first date,” Heymann said. “I feel like I definitely got to know him and got to know who he is.”
Both Heymann and McConnell became more vulnerable as the questions became more intimate. Difficult questions included “When did you last cry in front of another person?” to “If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone and why haven’t you told them?”
“There were definitely a few [questions I found difficult],” McConnell said. “I would say the last one [was the hardest] — the personal problem to share with somebody else. Coming up with an answer to that one was a challenge.”
While the pair said they did not experience immediate romance, they developed a strong bond over the course of the date as they shared deep aspects of their personalities.
“Some of the conversations we were sharing were very personal things about each other,” Heymann said. “I felt like I could trust him and be genuine with him. I felt like I was seeing who he truly was, and I felt intimate in that respect.”
Nearly three hours after the date started, Heymann and McConnell finished answering the questions but decided to stay out longer, talking about other topics. At the end of the night, both said felt like they knew the other person well.
“When we first started talking, [Emily] was sharing what she did for extracurriculars compared to me, and there wasn’t [much similarity between us],” McConnell said. “But then the more we talked, the more I realized that we share a lot of the same values. So the emotional journey got deeper in terms of [how] I realized this is someone I can be a friend [to] or share a bond [with].”
Heymann said the night was successful — especially for a blind date.
“It was a lot of fun,” Heymann said. “I am really glad that I did this. If the questions didn’t make us fall in love, that’s okay because I think I just made a good, new friend at U.Va.”
Sample Questions:
1. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
MM: That’s a no. Hard no on that. I think that [for] a telephone conversation, especially if it is casual, there is nothing to rehearse. I think it is a bit of a strange thing to do, to be honest. I think it is better to have things come naturally.
EH: No, it would be kind of weird. We both rehearse presentations in our heads, but not out loud.
2. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
MM: I would say my upbringing. Where I went to school, my family life — it wasn’t very turbulent. I would [also say] opportunities, like the opportunity to come to U.Va. Those are some things I definitely feel grateful for.
EH: My parents. I am most grateful for my parents supporting me and pushing me to be my best.
3. Name three things you and your partner seem to have in common.
MM: We both are happy with our upbringing, both from Virginia and we both are interested in traveling.
EH: We both have brown hair, put our full selves into what we [are] involved in. We both seem passionate about a few things.
4. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
MM: I have two — one would be a scholarship I received in high school to study abroad in Morocco and the second would be starting my fraternity, Alpha Sigma Phi, here at U.Va.
EH: I got my Girl Scout Gold Award in high school, which is the equivalent of [the] Eagle Scout Award, and that was my greatest accomplishment.
5. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner.
MM: Down to earth — I noticed that right away. I thought [she] was really cool. She was very easy to talk to, very outgoing. She was also very genuine, which is rare.
EH: He seemed like he was very genuine, passionate about what he does.
6. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
MM: Not much, I would say. Assuming it [is] something someone doesn’t find offensive, I think everything should be joked about — to an extent.
EH: Anything can be joked about, but you need to know your audience.
7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
MM: Extremely down to earth.
EH: He had a sexy voice and we both like each other’s smiles.
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