There are many reasons to have sex in a lawn room. It could be to give your resulting child some great admissions essay material. Perhaps the construction has stymied your oh-so-clever plans for the Rotunda Dome Room. Or maybe your life’s goal is to copulate at a UNESCO World Heritage site, and you were permanently banished before you could finish on the Somapura Mahavihara pyramid of Bangladesh.
But how do you accomplish this goal? Fear not, weary student, for this guide will help you make your mark on this University — as long as you wipe it up afterwards.
Step One: Live on the Lawn
We start off with a doozy. However, by reading this guide, you’ve shown determination that’s guaranteed to shift some cummerbunds on the selection committee.
For best results, wait for Tom DeLuca’s next appearance and have him hypnotize you to think you're back in high school. This will ensure that all of your decisions are predicated on whether they will affect a single yes/no result near the end of your four years. It’s like finding a job, only far less rewarding.
Dean Groves has said students should really join interesting, niche groups that speak to their individual talents, rather than focusing on the larger special status organizations. This is because the Honor Committee and University Guides members on the Lawn already know each other, and they’ll need a few deviants to bring to their dinner parties. Consider learning to walk a slack-line or juggle or become a third-string varsity athlete.
The important things are to keep your GPA up, volunteer, Frank Underwood your way to the top of the group of your choice and get a prominent “3711” tattoo.
Once you move in, you can allude to your new pad with pickup lines like “With all the Rotunda construction you can hardly hear my bed creak,” or “My chimney needs a good cleaning,” and “Come on, I’m way closer than Gooch-Dillard!”
Step Two: Seduce a Lawn Resident
So you didn’t get a Lawn room, huh? Well, your odds for this one are probably worse. The Lawn's residents are split equally by gender, and while determining the sexual preferences of each Lawnie is left as an exercise for the reader, it's likely less than half will correspond to your orientation.
Helpful tip: If someone you're talking to claims to be on the Lawn, ask her room number. If it's even, you can easily verify her claim by waiting until sundown and watch as the residents of East Lawn seal themselves in their chambers, never to emerge until first light. Build your relationship until you too can join their collective-bathroom hermitage.
Be sure to verify your hook-up’s identity against the brass nameplate on the door. Really, just make sure the door has a nameplate, to avoid a lengthy argument with campus police on how easily someone could mistake the Medical School Parking Lot’s toll booth for the Academical Village.
Step Three: Make an Arrangement with a Lawn Resident
For the remainder of this guide you will need to obtain a willing sexual partner beforehand. Fortunately, all of the individuals reading this guide share your noble goal, so you’ll be sure to find a swath of equally brave and eager potential partners in the comments section.
Obtaining the consent of a Lawnie to have sex in her room is a daunting task. Ironically, the only people well-connected and personable enough to persuade a Lawnie would be the other ones you failed to seduce. This is why before making any advances, it is important to carefully research and understand the interests of Lawn residents.
Step Four: Secure an Empty Lawn Room
So, it has come to this.
To surreptitiously gain access to a Lawn room, some manuals may instruct you to make a wax copy of the key you purloined from the resident’s robe as they showered. Others say to send them on a quest for an example of student self-governance, or something equally fictional.
No, simply slip the resident a note on some forged Seven Society letterhead regarding initiation. Once she reads it and runs off, you’ll have a few hours, depending on how authentic of a “mandatory Edwin Anderson Alderman costume” you demanded.
Now that you’re finally inside, you and your comments-section hook-up can do whatever you like in there, even if it’s just sit by the fire and pretend you’re not jealous. Don’t worry too much about getting caught — breaking and entering isn’t an honor offense, so at least the Lawn residents won’t be running your trial.
Peter Simonsen was the 125th chief financial officer for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached on Twitter at @pt_simonsen.
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