Call me my father’s daughter, but I’ll be damned if I don’t love nachos. Yet never had I thought my love of chips and cheese would be correlated with the success in my, erm, love life.
It was a Tuesday night a while back, and I was dining downtown at Mono Loco with a close group of my girl friends. We were all haggard from a long day, hungry and impatiently waiting for some straggling friends to arrive. So, we did what all smart people do in that situation and ordered plates of nachos as appetizers.
The table was coincidentally divided into two romantically different groups of girls. One group included those considered to be the “luckiest in love” — the ones with boyfriends and calendars chock-full of date functions. In the other group was — hold your applause, please — the rest of us, blissfully single. I was in the latter group.
Fittingly, the conversation between the “in love” side of the table was about significant others. “What’s their secret?” we on the single side asked.
It was one of my best friends who, sitting next to me on the single side, burst into laughter upon hearing this question.
“I think the answer’s right in front of us,” she said, pointing at the nachos. Half joking, she said, “There’s a direct correlation between who doesn’t have dates and who inhaled the nachos.”
Sure enough, on our side there were no more nachos. On the other side, however, a nice, dainty, nearly untouched plateful remained. Of course, correlation does not imply causation, so scientifically speaking, there is no evidence to verify my friend’s claim. But her observation did indeed bring up an interesting idea — if I were a little nicer, a little daintier or a little smoother, would that bring about some sudden and pivotal change to my love life?
This thought wasn’t new. While I’ve never pondered this in too much depth, the question of changing something about myself to win more male attention has always intrigued me. Throughout high school and even now, in college, I’ve seen too many unique people voluntarily change into insubstantial versions of themselves for the sake of tying someone else down.
Love — or “like,” or whichever other name you give to your romantic feelings — is undoubtedly admirable and something I hope to one day find. But I don’t think real love can be forced. Yes, we make jokes about our desperation for reciprocated adoration — but when it comes down to it, if you’re desperate enough to change yourself for someone else, then you’re willing to sacrifice too much.
I understand the desire to connect with another person on a meaningful level, but why give up pieces of your personality in the process?
There is, of course, a difference between changing yourself and having someone change you. There’s nothing bad to be said about surrounding oneself with those who exude positive effects. But that change, that betterment, should be a product of that relationship and not a prerequisite for it.
Being around certain people — friends, romantic interests, what have you — should ultimately lead to you becoming the best version of yourself. But that process is slow, relatively involuntary and runs both ways. Just as you should be able to improve yourself by being around them, so should they be able to improve by being around you.
I’m holding onto and maintaining my independence while refusing to settle for someone I know I won’t devote time to. Some may call is stubbornness, others laziness. While explaining my stance to some, I’ve been called scared and told I resist commitment. These assertions couldn’t be further from the truth, as my sappy philosophy has always been the best things are the ones worth fighting for.
I’ve never been desperate for love. Maybe that’s just because I haven’t found anyone worthy of being desperate for, but in my mind, that’s not such a bad thing. I’m a firm believer you can have plenty of love in your life without being in a romantic relationship.
Admittedly, come this Valentine’s Day, you might hear me complain about my lack of flowers, chocolate, and male attention — but at the end of the day, I do those things for the sake of lighthearted self-deprecation. I won’t be shedding any tears. I can be patient, and I’ve got plenty of nachos to pass the time.
Mary’s column runs biweekly Thursdays. She can be reached at m.long@cavalierdaily.com.
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