The Italians have a beautiful way of saying I love you: “ti voglio bene.” Literally translated, it means “I desire good for you.” It sounds like a nice sentiment, perhaps, but what is this “good?” Good is something that acknowledges the worth, dignity and beauty innate in every person on this planet. Good says, yes, you have a body that is appealing and desirable, but you also have dreams and hopes, burdens and wounds. True love is good, because it asks, “How can I serve you, regardless of the cost?” On the other hand, the hook-up culture asks, “How much pleasure can I get from you, regardless of the consequences?” The reason I don’t participate in hook-up culture isn’t because it encourages people to go too far with their bodies, but because it doesn’t encourage people to go far enough with their entire selves. Ultimately what hook-up culture tells us is, “Baby, you look hot tonight,” but love tells us, “Darling, you are beautiful forever.”
If we’re honest with ourselves, we have to admit we have a deep desire for this love that affirms our personhood and whispers forever to us. We want to love and be loved authentically, as we are, fully and completely. We want to be known, intimately known. We long to share our dreams with a special someone and partake in theirs as well.
Yet the sad news is that the difficulty we found in just talking to the opposite sex in grade school is nothing compared to what we’re up against now. True love has, in a sense, become inconceivable. Forty to 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce, and after seeing so many of our parents and close friends fail to live up to “till death do us part,” it is incredibly easy to become jaded. Love must be too hard. Romance is for the movies. Who wants to be vulnerable anyway? It’s scary.
So just add hormones and the concept of “YOLO” to this outlook on life and you get hook-up culture. It offers fun and gives us those feelings of being desired without the burden of getting emotionally invested or involved. It says, “My body is mine to do whatever I desire with whomever I so please, as long as there is mutual consent.” It’s undeniable that there is pleasure, albeit fleeting, involved in hooking up. And clearly, you can choose to do whatever you’d like with your body, given that the laws of our country are followed. After all, it was our very own Thomas Jefferson who affirmed our inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness — and many college students choose to pursue happiness through hook-up culture. I don’t condemn their decisions; rather, I’d like to challenge the direction of this pursuit. Does hooking up lead to happiness? Is it capable of bringing you joy?
To the first question, many of you would answer yes. Hooking up feels good, it’s exciting, it’s fun — of course it makes you feel happy. But is this a sort of happiness that can be maintained? Does it satisfy? To the second question, you may hesitate to respond, because joy and happiness, while related, are not quite the same. Joy suggests delight, and isn’t quite an emotion like happiness, but rather a deeper sort of attitude or way of experiencing life. An infant expresses joy at the sight of her mother, a bride and groom experience joy upon saying their vows, a father at observing the success of his son and friends upon partaking in good news. Joy is a consequence of dignity-affirming love. A “ti voglio bene” sort of love. It fills us with meaning and an appreciation for our lives. Can joy be brought forth from a hook-up in which two people choose to use each other solely for pleasure? Let us not be deceived by the mere feelings of self-satisfaction that hook-ups give us; authentic, dignity affirming, self-giving and joy-producing love is really what we seek.
Joy Ruiz is a third-year in the School of Engineering and a member of Off the Hook.
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