1. Tinder
It’s eerily reminiscent of your grandma wagging her finger back and forth at you, telling you, “We weren’t so superficial in my age!” — back and forth — swipe right, swipe left.
What’s great about Tinder is the only distinguishing criterion is location. Become a basketball wife in no time! What’s not so great about Tinder is the only distinguishing criterion is location. Accidentally match with your first-year calculus TA in no time!
Though Tinder is the epitome of judging a book by its cover, it’s hard to deny we’re all guilty of that sometimes. There’s no better way to say happy Valentine’s Day than by affording a tangible recognition of someone’s cuteness.
Tip: Tindering makes a great drinking game.
2. OkCupid
Okay, Cupid, this is probably not what you envisioned yourself turning into, was it? From cute, questionably naked, lovable baby to online dating site real quick, OkCupid is slightly more exclusive than Tinder.
How so, you may ask? OkCupid is a “free social networking and dating website that also offers features that include blogs and member-created quizzes.” Does this mean my Spanish 2010 flashcards that formerly lived on QuizUp could find a new home and, by some tactical substitution theory, find me a boyfriend?
OkCupid: like Match.com and eHarmony without the annoying commercials, but with twice the annoying emails.
3. Facebook
Imagine the romantic story you’d be able to tell your future children: “It all started with an innocent Facebook poke, which spawned into a flourishing romance.”
Facebook’s strengths as a dating platform include the ability to use highly specific emojis, the inability to turn off read receipts on messenger so everyone knows when you’re ignoring them and the fun possibility of delving into the black hole of your interest’s seventh grade life.
Without having to make any actual contact with a person, Facebook gives you the astonishing ability to see into aspects of someone’s life one normally learns via real life communication. It’s all fun and games until you mention something to a person you only know from their Facebook.
4. Christian Mingle
A more pointed dating site, targeted towards those specifically of the Christian religion. Sites like JDate — for those who practice Judaism — and Muslima—for practicing Muslims—also exist. A benefit of these sorts of sites would be bypassing the religion question, something often considered awkward or a tough subject to bring up on a date. How would all the pairs of animals on Noah’s Ark find each other if not for the help of a religious dating site? The menorah’s eight candles were obviously burned by Judah to create romantic ambiance.
5. Instagram
Consider the double-tap to “like” function like my beating heart, as if the heart I just put on your picture were me giving you my real heart. That picture of your banana French toast lets me know so much about you — you’re social, going to brunch with your friends. You’re healthy — fruit! — but not afraid of complex carbohydrates. Your punny caption hints at your sophisticated humor, and your hashtag #brunch really clears up whether this was in fact breakfast or brunch. Your choice of filter clues me in to your mood of choice — the Toaster filter, obviously the most sultry — and I can gauge your popularity based on how many likes you receive. Will you marry me?
6. Google
A quick Google search of “Is Ryan Gosling single?” can really do wonders for your chances with him. Follow this up with “What’s Ryan Gosling’s number?” and your success rate is sure to be 100 percent. Google can give you an address, a phone number, his family tree at the low cost of $19.99 a month and so much more!
What’s great about Google is the element of anonymity when searching for a potential love interest — minus the fact that his or her name and face will most likely pop up as an advertisement on the side of every website you ever visit again. But, at least you got to read about his or her parent’s wedding announcement!
7. Grindr
Grindr is specifically targeted towards gay, bisexual and bicurious men. Users can pick by “tribe,” with different tribes ranging from bear, clean-cut, daddy, discreet, geek, jock, leather, otter, poz, rugged, trans and twink. Insofar as you can choose your potential matches based on categories of physical description, this is, like, three steps removed from requesting plastic surgery to touch up some blemishes on someone otherwise adorable… if he just got rid of that one thing.
8. Yik Yak
Yik Yak is great because it’s completely anonymous. You could be falling in love with a clever, one-liner spewing 40-year-old male or a Charlottesville high school student who just loves the Hoos. Maybe your Yik Yak crush is a professor who never joined Greek Life during his college years and is dying to relive his glory days.
Who knows? Hiding behind the veil of jaded “I hate Valentine’s Day” yaks may just be the person of your dreams. The only “peeking” you’ll have to do anymore will be into the soul of the new love of your life.
9. LinkedIn
The professional way to network. Though I’ve always been told love should never be a job, I argue looking at a person’s interests for employment is a good place to start. Add a romantic element to his or her professional page by endorsing him or her for such skills as, “flirting,” “making my heart flutter” and “having a concise executive summary that really gets me going.” Future employers will surely appreciate the sensuous quality that user would inevitably add to their workplace.
10. Real Life
Dating in real life, finding love in a hopeless place. Meeting someone special in real life is scary. There’s no computer screen or smartphone to protect you from the food you have stuck in your teeth, no backspace button to take back accidentally telling someone you haven’t done laundry in a month. You can’t skinny arm forever, and there’s no hiding behind the casual “haha” you throw in a text to make it seem less awkward. So go out there and work what your momma gave you — even if it just means telling a kid in your class his fly is undone. Love at first fight?
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