The following excerpts are notes from George R.R. Martin’s as-yet-unannounced eighth book in the Song of Ice and Fire series, in which all of the political intrigue and betrayal over the Iron Throne has been replaced by a modern bicameral legislative government.
The Bolton Intelligence Agency becomes the focus of a graphic torture report. Despite its use of flaying and castration, many insist the BIA was defending the Seven Kingdoms by only interrogating Greyjoys who deserved it. The news cycle quickly moves on to the premiere of Sansa Stark’s new show “Lemon Cake Boss.”
***
Border Patrol agent Jon Snow falls in love with a North-Westerosi woman named Ygritte. He attempts to smuggle her across the Wall and get her a job at the local First Men Casino. He is arrested and removed from his post, despite insisting “I know nothing.”
***
A controversial government mega-project creates a 700 foot wall of ice that extends for 300 miles. Conservative northern bannermen continue demanding increased border security.
***
Secretary of Coin Petyr Baelish is forced to resign after causing the national debt to skyrocket, giving illegal tax breaks to a chain of brothels he owned and tweeting inappropriate pictures to Sansa Stark.
***
Chair of the Senate Environmental Committee Eddard Stark cites his family slogan, “Winter is Coming” as empirical scientific evidence against climate change. After realizing that rising sea levels could threaten the Iron Islands and endanger House Greyjoy, everyone agrees to dramatically increase CO2 emissions. The White Walkers are quickly rendered extinct.
***
The King’s Guard is under strict scrutiny after an intruder hopped the Red Keep fence and made it several hundred yards before being subdued. Several agents were also caught visiting brothels during a state visit to Dorne. The department is finally dissolved after Brienne of Tarth’s successful gender discrimination lawsuit, and replaced by a private military company headed by Bronn of the Blackwater.
***
Oberyn Martell is one of the world’s most charismatic and successful movie stars, though his bisexuality is kept secret from the public. His films do increasingly poorly at the box office after a scathing documentary details his involvement in the Church of Scientology.
***
Bran Stark has strange dreams of meeting a three eyed raven and seeing through the eyes of his pet Wolf. He garners the attention of a TLC producer and becomes this kid.
***
Television Psychic Melisandre impresses Congressman Stannis Baratheon with an on-the-air cold reading. After bringing her into his service, Melisandre tells him that their world is controlled by a cruel, sadistic god who refuses to obey story conventions and kills off those characters who are too beloved or interesting. To ensure his survival, Stannis becomes a flat, bummer of a man who is constantly bitching about how his brother never loved him.
Peter Simonsen was the 125th chief financial officer for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached on Twitter at @pt_simonsen.
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