Kanye West officially marries...himself?!?
The moment the hip-hop world has anxiously awaited has arrived! Last Friday, Kanye West and Kanye West finally tied the knot in a modest ceremony attended by 12,000 of his closest friends and confidants. When asked about her ex-husband’s new marriage, Kim Kardashian cited the number of times Kanye quoted himself in his 20-minute wedding toast during their 2014 ceremony (sources put the number at over 20), saying it was clear she was not the one. At last week’s ceremony, West lunged forward to kiss his newlywed but awkwardly face planted on the ground instead. West helped him up, and the two proceeded to perform West’s song “Bound 2.”
Underground rappers actually go underground
In a stunning strategy that hip-hop giants are calling a “power move,” underground rappers are actually beginning to migrate underground, becoming underground mole-people rappers. Many of these rappers — including DJ Caramel, Lil Chiefer and Phat Johnny — can be heard spitting dope beats through the steam tunnel vents under University grounds on a still Tuesday night. We asked rapper Lil’ B — “The Based God” — about the benefits of literal underground rapping, but he was only interested in talking about his curse on NBA superstar Kevin Durant. Thirteen of these rappers have claimed that their fiery mixtapes are the source of the heat that emanates from the University’s underground tunnel system. School officials were not available for comment on this unusual phenomenon.
TAYLOR SWIFT TO RELEASE FIRST HIP-HOP SINGLE
Under a new name and with a snapback in hand, formerly known singer Taylor Swift is set to release her debut solo hip-hop single under the name T-Swizzle. The song, produced by DJ Earthworm, is rumored to be about one of her friend’s breakups, seeing as she has run out of her own breakups to write about. More information will be reported as the release approaches in the coming weeks, but her agent formally announced via Twitter that the single will feature Kanye West and his newlywed Kanye West.
University official featured in new Kendrick Lamar music video
Kendrick Lamar will soon release a revamped music video for his song — “i” — featuring the University’s very own beloved Dean Groves. Just as Lamar raps, “I love myself,” Dean Groves suddenly pops into the scene, giving Lamar one of his patented high-fives and dropping a beat on the importance and value of positive thinking in the forthcoming weeks of stress and finals. We attempted to reach Groves after filming concluded, but he was unable to comment as Lamar requested a personal two-hour tutorial on how to perfect the messy bowtie look.
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Newcomb Dining Hall to release new mixtape, “Ooh Baby, you a Rump Roaster”
By Flow Floverston | April 1, 2015The Fresh Food Company, commonly referred to as Newcomb Dining Hall, announced last Monday they will release of a mixtape comprised of student’s favorite songs that normally play over loudspeakers throughout the dining room.
In Defense of Music and America
By Shocky the Robber | April 1, 2015My fellow Wahoos and Americans, dark days have indeed come to pass in the world of staccato notes and treble clefs.
Surprise album from Kanye West gets stuck in your head
By Charles Hancock | April 1, 2015In a shocking development, American rapper and music producer Kanye West recently released his seventh studio album, “So Help Me God,” with no prior announcement, only moments before music review website Pitchfork published its 10/10 review of the album. The album was distributed for free directly into the minds of seven billion people around the world.
