1. Horse Enthusiast:
One of the rarer types you’ll meet, this person is at Foxfield for an uncommon reason. While most participants are dedicated to dressing as preppy as possible and attending an intimate daytime soirée with twelve thousand of their closest friends, the horse enthusiast has eyes on a different prize. Maybe they rode horses as a child, maybe they are really into Seabiscuit, or maybe they are just delusional. Either way, this person will most likely be found hanging over a fence and shouting whenever a horse walks by. Anticipate a trite, “I saw a horse!” Instagram caption.
2. Napper:
While this person may have been just as enthusiastic as the horse enthusiast at an earlier point in the day, the napper has used up all of said energy. Career aspirations for these people include Sleepy’s mattress tester, and definitely do not include a professional horse racer. As the day of Foxfield always hits a minimum temperature of five million degrees Fahrenheit, it’d probably be a smart idea to wake this friend up and move them to a more suitable sleeping environment.
3. Person who won’t get off the pickup truck:
There are a few different reasons this person may select the bed of a pickup truck as their platform of choice. Off the top of my head — and totally not speaking from personal experience — I can think of a few. For one, this person might be of particularly short stature and just want to spend a few minutes not being asked how the weather is down there. Alternatively, this person may have lost all her friends and is using said surface to enhance her range of vision. Or this person may simply be seeking a highly visible area to demonstrate her dance moves she was told were pretty funny once. Again, not speaking from any sort of personal experience.
4. Wanderer:
This is the type of person whose parents once had to strongly consider investing in one of those absurd child leashes designed to be a questionable substitute for a watchful eye. One minute he’s your partner in crime doing the Cha Cha Slide on the bed of a pickup truck, and the next he’s nowhere to be found. The lack of cell phone service at Foxfield and its surrounding areas will not be helpful at this particular moment. Try walkie talkies, or call his parents and ask to borrow that child leash.
5. Screamer:
This person is having fun and is not afraid to let everyone know it. This person has seen a horse and is not afraid to let everyone know it. This person has found that one girl in his French class and is really, really, not afraid to let her and everyone know it. Being around the Screamer will elicit strong feelings of secondhand embarrassment and the desire for a human volume control button.
6. Camera-obsessed:
Every time this person sees someone she knows, she gives that person the two-step greeting. First, the “Hi! How are you?” delivered with a smile and the casual arm-around-the-shoulder-half-hug. Beware: this half-hug is not a display of affection, but rather a calculated way to get herself in perfect position for step two. She will then hand her phone to an unsuspecting stranger who is minding his own business and demand he takes your picture. Simple, yet effective. An effortless way to feign popularity by uploading all twelve million pictures to Facebook within an hour of returning home. This attendee will definitely keep you posted if she succeeds at pissing off her ex-boyfriend.
7. Sunburned:
There are two things that have stuck with me from my childhood: to always chew with my mouth closed and to always put on sunscreen before leaving the house, even if it is the middle of winter. I dare you to find someone whose mother didn’t tell them UV rays are even stronger through the clouds. The sunburnt Foxfield-goer is of the contingency of those who rolled his eyes at his mom and didn’t ever listen to what they had to say. With a face as red as his salmon-colored shorts, this person will definitely be peeling during finals next week. Things they’ll need to ace the test: a number two pencil and a bottle of aloe.
8. American Idol:
This person won’t stop singing. Much like the television show’s participants, this person is probably not very good. They are also probably waving a phone around trying to get you to record the solo. Unlike the television show, though, you’re not going to dial 1-800-Vote-Two, but rather 1-800-Please-Stop. If only you had Ryan Seacrest and a stage band to tastefully escort these ones off their imagined stages. That’s three no’s from the judges. Next.
9. Over-enthusiast:
This person cannot stop telling everyone within a two-mile radius how this is the best day of her life, ever. It is just SO nice out, everyone looks SO good, the ride here was totally bearable and oh my god, doesn’t this grass just look incredible? We should hire whoever did this grass to redo the grass on the Lawn, because that grass they put down yesterday to replace the grass from last week wasn’t nearly as good as the grass they had the week before. Construction isn’t that bad, and this day is amazing!
10. Bathroom person:
You know this friend — the one who always, always has to pee. Taking one sip of water in Clemons merits a 20-minute campaign to get you up from your cubicle to go to the bathroom with her. At Foxfield, this problem manifests on a larger scale. So enthused by her giant lemonade, she drags you to the never ending lines for the bathroom. Though I’m convinced whoever runs Foxfield plants people in said bathrooms so the line moves about twenty times slower than it should, your friend is not phased by such evil. The worst part? By the time she makes it to the bathroom, she’s already planning the next drink that’ll land her right back in line in 10 minutes.
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