Don’t flirt with anyone at party with a trashcan filled with booze. Don’t flirt with anyone at a party where they keep trying to tell you about reading “Infinite Jest” while you’re just trying to find the store brand orange soda in the filthy kitchen. Don’t go to parties and/or flirt. Adopt a cat from the SPCA and hang out with him and your roommate all the time. Only go to parties when you feel like getting dolled up. Your look can be “head of the brothel whom no one is allowed to touch or look at directly.”
If you really want to snag a man, here are some foolproof pick-up lines to use on straight boys: “Your prose style is very clean,” “Your dad sounds like kind of a dick,” “You’re so funny.” On the last one: can you believe guys think they get girls to sleep with them by being funny? Can you believe it? When every issue of Seventeen magazine gave the flirting advice “laugh at his jokes,” I remember reading that in middle school and thinking, “No thanks, I’ll stay a virgin.” And boy did I!
After having to watch the same “Not On Our Grounds” scene of sexual coercion four times with our respective roommates because the website wouldn’t let you move on, we all know a bit more about consent. Let me tell you: explicit verbal consent seems to be just dirty talk! The module tried to masquerade it with their Squarespace looking graphic design but I see the truth. Open your filthy minds! Say “I want you to X me on your Y while Z,” and strengthen our community of honor. And as we learned, don’t have sex with someone while they’re sleeping. Really didn’t think that one had to be explained, but there you go.
Open communication is key: if you rely on subtle body language you will never kiss, you will keep smiling and looking at each other and if someone was filming it for a television show, then it would last two full seasons before anything happened and 15-year-olds would write 500 words about it on their respective blogs.
If you’re dating someone emotionally unavailable, this is a great opportunity to use him as a blank screen to project your own theories and insecurities. Your insurance may not cover therapy, but hey, free screen.
Crack the code of all girls you have been jealous of by creating a mind map connecting their pictures with string on a wall, like in “A Beautiful Mind.” Stare at the wall while you look for the common denominator. Then use the string to write out “I’M GAY.”
Don’t be afraid to get hurt. If someone breaks your heart then that is an opportunity to pursue an aggressive self-betterment plan. Take some time to really get into your feelings. Make four hour long playlists and cry yourself clean. Drink green tea every day, or write, “drink green tea every day” in the daily planner you sometimes use and feel just as good. Deep condition your hair while you think about whether you can ever really understand another person. Then, one day, you’ll meet him again, and you’ll be beautiful and benevolent and emotionally mature. Which means: You Win.
Charlotte Raskovich is a Humor editor for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at c.raskovich@cavalierdaily.com.
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