1. Pumpkin Pie
You’re stuck in the past, wishing for better days when finals weren’t kicking us in the… class and “Hello” hadn’t been grossly overplayed. Pumpkins are made for fall and Halloween — it’s December, and Starbucks has moved on to all things gingerbread and foamy. Speaking of Starbucks, you were definitely one of the people who got upset about the lack of design on this year’s winter cups. Pour one out for your favorite gourd — it’s time to break up.
2. Gingerbread
While we’re on the topic of gingerbread: one who prefers this dessert definitely has a thing for Santa Claus. He’s easy to pick out — who else do you know, besides your grandmother, who actually owns a gingerbread-man-shaped cookie cutter? Though the reindeer nose and antlers that are undoubtedly on his car may tempt you to deny his existence in public, don’t. He’ll make an excellent Secret Santa.
3. Pecan Pie
You’re nuts! Get it? But actually, all kidding aside, I baked, served and Instagrammed two pecan pies this Thanksgiving — to much success. Therefore, if you’re a pecan pie enthusiast, I’m a). into it and b). going to get extremely competitive and tell you that mine was probably better. Smile and agree with me — for your own sake — but revel in the glory that is an entire bottle of corn syrup and enough pecans to be considered a “healthy source of protein.” Tell chestnuts to go roast on an open fire somewhere else; there’s a better nut in town.
4. Hot Chocolate
You’re probably of the contingency that believes smoothies are a substantial breakfast. How people qualify liquids as actual meals is beyond me, but to each their own. That being said, the small marshmallows in their chocolate-powdered-Swiss-Miss-packet-blankets do recall a certain sense of nostalgia. It takes a certain skill to perfect your desired level of marshmallow-cookedness, and that kind of dedication deserves recognition.
5. Milkshakes
The cold never bothered you anyway, clearly. Call yourself Justin Timberlake, ‘cause you prefer it frosty. A personal bucket list item of mine is to take an Uber through Cookout for a milkshake, and I don’t see why outside weather should bar me from this goal. I believe that if you want to do something others might find misguided, i.e. drinking a milkshake in the winter, that you should do it — you’re just not allowed to complain about it. Be strong, be independent and maybe wear some long underwear.
6. Eggnog
After an unfortunately brief poll of my roommates (only two of 10 were actually home when I was really trying to do science), the consensus was “Ew.” Seriously, that was the only word either would offer. For honesty and science’s sake: I’ve never had eggnog. But I can imagine it being pretty gross, and a Google search quickly led me to “Eggnog really makes you wonder: How did humans first think chugging a spiced and spiked egg-yolk-and-milk mixture was a good idea?” My response to this is: I have no idea, I’m not Rocky Balboa and I would like my eggs scrambled, thank you. Of all things to spike, eggs and milk are not at the top of my list. Put some Peppermint Schnapps in your hot chocolate and thank me later.
7. Brownies
Seasons mean nothing to you. Brownies are appropriate whatever the weather, and you’d probably make a perfectly agreeable date to bring home to parents. You’re versatile, well-rounded, have a job, have clean sheets, haven’t stopped smiling in three days, have never driven above the speed limit, haven’t accidentally cursed in front of a little cousin, haven’t purposely cursed in front of a father chastising you for cursing in front of a little cousin, smell like roses, don’t bruise and have never been more than “pleasantly tipsy.” You use the word “perhaps” without irony and may be part of Betty Crocker’s bloodline.
8. Candy Canes:
Sorry for harping so much on science, but I must ask another research question: has anyone ever finished a candy cane without biting it first? And, if not, has anyone ever bitten a candy cane and not been fishing it out of their molars for about three weeks after the initial bite? Like Peeps and candy corn, candy canes are the winter version of the seasonal candy that everyone loves to hate. None of the three are actually that bad, but they’re so easy to dismiss. And, a final tip: the red and green candy canes are always watermelon, never mint.
9. Fruit Cake
Honestly, fruit cake is arguably worse than eggnog. First of all, don’t go mixing up healthy and cake and think you’re fooling anyone. A typical fruit cake is made of candied or gummy fruit and subsequently soaked in alcohol. To the creators of the fruit cake: why soak it in alcohol? Why? Were you also the ones behind the decision to put alcohol in milk with egg yolk and call that reasonable? Forget raisins masquerading as chocolate chips as the reason for your trust issues; try rum masquerading as glistening, glazed frosting. The fruit cake-lover is conniving and not to be messed with.
10. Bread pudding
Consistency is not a deterrent for you. As someone who loves her french fries soggy, explaining this consistency preference without having to use the phrase “long and hard” is the real battle. Leading such a difficult life means the bread pudding lover is adaptable and easy-going as well as a seasoned veteran to adversity. To the haters: have your fruit cake and eat it, too. We’ll keep our bread pudding.
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