Hey! It’s Nancy-Wren and Patrick. Patrick and Nancy-Wren. Us. Together. The old team back at it again. We’re here to bring you outstanding, eminent, exceptionally good comedy at the University of Virginia. As new editors of the Humor section, we assume you know nothing about us, and we would like to change that. Imagine us as your new step-parents, not wanting you to call us mom or dad, but letting you know that we’re here for you. Having trouble at school? We’ll help you out with your algebra. Can’t seem to learn your lines for the big play? Well consider us your new scene partner. Wanna learn more about sex? You can go ask your real parents.
Anyway, we did a little Q&A so you can get to know us better. I know what you’re thinking. Who asked the questions? We did. To ourselves. The whole thing was contrived and silly. But we wrote it all down, and learned a little more about ourselves along the way.
What is your worst fear?
NWB: The deep ocean. I get scared when I use satellite mode on Google Maps, and I hover over the ocean because it is, frankly, too much water.
PT: That a group of tall athletic dudes will invite me into their pickup basketball game.
What is your most embarrassing moment?
NWB: One time I accidentally rode my bike into a pond.
PT: When I gradually and systematically peed my pants through an entire 30 minute guitar lesson because I didn’t want to ask where the bathroom was.
Whom do you love most?
NWB: Me.
PT: My maternal grandmother, in order to spite my paternal grandmother.
What, in your opinion, is art?
NWB: Any of Van Gogh’s stuff.
PT: Any of Van Morrison’s stuff.
What’s on the agenda for this semester?
NWB: One-liners, zingers, elaborate set-ups, and an all-around good time.
If you could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, would you?
PT: No.
What’s your greatest weakness?
NWB: My inability to spell “necessary.”
PT: MY ARMS
What do you hate most about yourself?
PT: MY ARMS.
NWB: Patrick’s arms.
Favorite type of fish?
NWB: Phish.
PT: Clownfish (hey, cuz I’m a jokester).
What does the word “salsa” mean to you?
NWB: (Esp. in Latin American cooking) a spicy tomato sauce.
PT: The popular form of social dance that originated in New York City with strong influences from Latin America, particularly Puerto Rico, Cuba and Colombia.
What’s the emotion you feel most often?
NWB: As a woman… disgust.
PT: As a man… fear.
What is your favorite fabric?
NWB: Silk.
PT: Cashmere.
Is magic real?
NWB: No.
PT: Close-up magic is real, all other magic is too far away to tell.
Is good customer service important?
NWB: Nothing is important.
PT: Yes.
If you were walking down the street and you found a wallet containing $40 and an ID, would you try to return it?
NWB: Yes, absolutely. I would never lie, cheat or steal.
PT: I would take the money, wipe down the wallet of my fingerprints and leave it where I found it.
How many fingers am I holding up?
NWB: Two.
PT: Eleven (but it’s just one from each hand to look like 11).
Is this your card?
NWB: Yes, thank you. I’ll take that back now.
PT: Magic is real.
What’s your deal?
PT: I guess I’m like Joseph Gordon-Levitt if he got facial reconstruction surgery and also changed everything about himself.
NWB: I’m a ghost.
Patrick Thedinga is a Humor editor and Nancy-Wren Bradshaw is a Senior Associate editor. They can be reached at p.thedinga@cavalierdaily.com and n.bradshaw@cavalierdaily.com, respectively.
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