We all know about the options for the honor system’s potential revolution. Between Option 1, a vote to keep the system at its traditional level of incompetence, and Option 2, a revolutionary new idea to switch up how we expel more minority and international students than white students, the student body faces a difficult choice. However, I think we’re unfairly overlooking potential choices that would offer fairer opportunities for students found guilty of an honor offense. I list them here for your viewing, and I hope you read them with an open, unbiased mind.
Option 1: Retain the single sanction system.
Option 2: Allow the Honor Committee to implement a multiple sanction system.
Option 3: Join Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) on the campaign trail as one of his skin suits. His reptilian scales rip through his human skin-covers like daggers through parchment, and he’s always looking for donors.
Option 4: I write you into my “High School Musical” smut fanfiction: full name and apt description. It's the first result when potential employers Google your name.
Option 5: Retake the alcohol module as a budding alcoholic. But this time, you have to be honest about it.
Option 6: Okay, kiddo. We both know you don't want to be here. It's okay to be scared. But if you don't fess up, well, let's just say the Familia isn't going to take it painlessly. And by it, I mean your fingers.
Option 7: Hung and quartered.
Option 8: You study really, really hard for your Applied Calculus II midterm. You really put your all into it. Like, everything you have — you neglect your other classes, your health, your friends; you start losing things because your mind is completely consumed with thoughts of only derivatives, integrals and probability, and your family hasn’t heard your voice in weeks. You sit for your exam one mild, sunny day (not that you’re paying attention to anything as inconsequential as the weather). You breeze all the way through, marking up the multiple choice like a champ. Then, right when you get to the end — BOOM. You wake up. Nothing but a dream. You didn’t study for that exam — you cheated your way through, you insignificant invertebrate bacterium. For the rest of your days, you relive this nightmare.
Option 9: You’re rich! Daddy pays for a new building for the McIntire School of Commerce, and you get your Global Development Studies degree faster than an order of chai latte at Greenberry’s.
Option 10: Overthrow the Honor Committee. You have nothing to lose but your chains. You have a world to win. Cheaters of all countries, unite!
Option 11: They catch you cheating. You go through the process, they find you guilty, you’re stuck clearing your dorm out in two days. You drive back home in your Nissan with your pressed khakis all stacked, up one on top of the other, in your matching grey Samsonite suitcases. Your mother meets you in her flowery Lilly Pulitzer dress, tears carving tracks in her powdered cheeks — your father won’t meet your eye. After weeks of searching, you score an internship at some small, struggling hedge fund. Through toil and sacrifice, you rise up to become an analyst, then an administrator. Years have passed. Your wife is beautiful, your children happy and fat. You have enough money to take care of your aging parents, who love you; you have enough money to take vacations with your wonderful family, who adores you. You no longer think about that one mistake 20 years ago, except to thank your lucky stars that it gave you this precious, unique, exquisite life.
Option 12: Trade in all your Yakarma for a get-out-of-jail-free card.
Option 13: Legend has it that deep in the wilderness of Observatory Hill, an ancient sage wise in the ways of honor dwells. Find his hovel and lay a single daffodil the color of the sun reflected off of the windows of Alderman by the entrance, and await his wisdom.
Option 14: All the stickers on your laptop are unceremoniously stripped off.
Option 15: You’re allowed to stay on Grounds, but only if U-Guides may lead tours by your apartment as a cautionary tale. Tourists burn incense for you.
Option 16: You have to promise you won’t cheat again. Really, really, really promise. Cross your heart. Please, please, please. The University will stay with you because it loves you, but you have to swear you won’t break its trust again. It loves you so much.
The future of the University lies in your capable hands. Make the right choice.
Tsering Say is a Humor writer.
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