There are many “definitive rankings” on the Internet, ranking everything from the best television series of all time to the funnest looking moles on my body (they all tied for first place!). With all of these various rankings come various ranking methods, and I think it’s high time we decide which one of those methods is the best method for ranking. You see, there are just so many different ways to measure everything from “tallest dog” to “coolest pubes,” and it’s now my job to make sure you all know which method is the best method. Why me, you ask? Well, if you must know, I love me some rankings. I click on every definitive ranking I see online. And after the virus on that clickbait article spreads through my computer, I move onto the next one and continue looking at those rankings. So, having seen roughly all the rankings, I can conclude that I am the authority on this. So without further ado, I present the definitive ranking of definitive rankings:
5. Non-numerical bulleted lists
Here’s what I have to say about non-numerical bulleted lists — come on, bud. You’re not even a real ranking, you’re just a marginally well-organized group of opinions. Where’s the ranking? Where are all the nuanced opinions ordered in numerical value? You only made it on the ranking because there aren’t that many methods of ranking things, so watch it, non-numerical bulleted lists — you’re on thin ice. Step it up, and make some harder choices. Be more like a numbered countdown. Now’s there’s a ranking method I can get behind.
4. Picture-laden listicles
Here’s the problem with you, picture-laden listicles — there’s no real ranking to you! There are no numbers demarcating which fun picture of a squealing teacup piglet is better than another. You think just because some guy named Oliver who works at Buzzfeed copy-and-pasted you together that you have the legitimacy to call yourself a ranking? There’s no countdown function, and there’s no thoughtful analysis written underneath each picture. I mean, what’s even the point? Hit the frickin’ bricks, picture-laden listicles! Call me back when you’re more like a numbered countdown.
3. Consumer surveys
Okay consumer surveys, we get it — you gauge public interest and attempt to create a better understanding of the public interest through anecdotal evidence. But guess what? You suck, too! Oh, you have testimonials from real people to determine whether one given product is better than another? Well it ain't numbers counting down from least best to most best! You heard me! Least best. To most best. You can’t get that kinda sequential order in a survey. Now get outta here!
2. Numerical rankings, reverse sequential
WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?! THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. YOU COULD JUST BE A GOOD RANKING METHOD AND COUNT DOWN TO ONE BUT YOU DECIDE TO COUNT UP FROM ONE? YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO ALL NUMERICAL RANKING SYSTEMS AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.
1. Numbered Countdowns
Yeah baby, gotta give it up for those sweet, sweet numbered countdowns. I live for these bad boys. They are the best. Simply put. Nothing else to say about these guys. They get it. They know what’s up. Numbered countdowns know how to correctly rank something, be it “furriest bears” or “scurriest hares,” “holiest popes” or “mopiest dopes,” “raddest toys” or “saddest boys.” Whatever it is, numbered countdowns can rank it. Good job guys. I love you.
Patrick Thedinga is a Humor editor for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at p.thedinga@cavalierdaily.com.
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