Everything I do, I do for you guys — you, the readers of these articles. I say this now to tell you that during this past week I spent in New York City (though it may have seemed like I was galavanting around and living it up in the Windy City) I was actually taking vigorous notes on things to do to make your trip to Beantown that much better. So now that I am back, I can finally give to you the 100 percent foolproof, very good and reliable travel guide to the City of Angels, New York, New York.
Guide note 1: Convert all your cash
The Steeple City is one expensive place, so you’re going to need a lot of cash, right? WRONG. Instead of spending all your hard-earned money on things like food or shelter, just convert it into something unusable, like the euro. People won’t be able to take any of your foreign money, but they still have to serve you and let you stay in their lodgings. It’s the law, trust me — I am both very good and reliable.
Guide note 2: Carry a full-sized city atlas at all times
After spending any time in Sin City, you’ll come to realize that this one is essential. Carrying around a book of city streets and borough notables the size of a commandments tablet shows everyone you are in command of your navigational faculties and that you have powerful forearms. That will remind them of Popeye, who is a New York City treasure, so people will treat you with the utmost respect and authority. The atlas can also be used as a weapon in case someone tries to take all your euros.
Guide note 3: Wear a really, really big shirt
You’ll be doing a lot of exploring during your trip to good old Surf City USA, so a really, really big shirt is in order. Why a big shirt, you might ask? Well for starters, it’s a really, really big shirt, so get that one straight. And secondly, a really, really big shirt is the most versatile article of clothing. If you’re walking with the wind, you can use it as a sail to propel you forward faster. If you’re part of a group, everyone can grab a corner of the shirt so no one gets lost in this great city known as Dogtown. You’ll never need another napkin when wearing a really really big shirt, and if you forget pants, it’s not a problem. Also, in cases of emergency where you might be trapped out in the cold of the mile-high city, you can pull yourself inside the really, really big shirt and use it as a sleeping bag. Easy Peezy, or as they say here in The Magic City, easy peezy.
Guide note 4: Always be yelling
The Big Easy is already a loud, bustling place, so you’re going to make yourself really stand out. With your atlas and really, really big shirt in tow, make sure to yell at all times. It doesn’t matter if you’re talking to someone or not, just always yell. Yell your order to the nice waitress at that fun noodle place. Yell your review of that fun noodle place to no one in particular while riding the subway. Yell at the subway. The city is your oyster, that you will promptly and loudly yell at. Yelling is a pastime in The Motor City, known for phrases like “I’M WALKIN’ HERE” and “EYY, PIZZA HERE” followed by “GAH, BOO GAH,” so by yelling along with the rest of the city, you’re fitting in better than any really, really big shirt or cumbersome atlas could ever help you to do.
Well, we’ve come a long way, but after all the lessons I’ve shared with you, you’ll be able to conquer the City of Lights in no time. Trust me, I am very good, and I am also reliable.
Patrick Thedinga is a Humor editor for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at p.thedinga@cavalierdaily.com.
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